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Downloaded from
YTS.MX
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Official YIFY movies site:
YTS.MX
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(LIGHT RandB MUSIC PLAYING)
4
00:00:53,266 --> 00:00:54,976
(LOUD MOANING)
5
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(KELLY CRIES OUT)
6
00:00:57,103 --> 00:00:58,646
(LAUGHING)
7
00:00:58,729 --> 00:01:01,232
KELLY: Faster, go faster!
KEITH: That's as fast as I can go.
8
00:01:01,315 --> 00:01:03,526
KELLY: Slower, slower!
KEITH: Fast or slow? Make your mind up.
9
00:01:04,026 --> 00:01:05,194
KELLY: Oh. No, not there. No!
10
00:01:05,278 --> 00:01:06,320
(EXCLAIMS IN PAIN)
11
00:01:06,404 --> 00:01:07,738
KEITH: Oh, sorry.
I didn't mean to put it in there.
12
00:01:07,822 --> 00:01:09,031
They're so close together, aren't they?
13
00:01:09,156 --> 00:01:10,241
(KELLY WHIMPERS)
14
00:01:10,324 --> 00:01:11,534
KEITH: Just lay down on your back.
On your back.
15
00:01:11,617 --> 00:01:12,660
Okay.
16
00:01:12,743 --> 00:01:14,245
(BOTH MOANING)
17
00:01:15,621 --> 00:01:16,831
(BOTH CRY OUT)
18
00:01:16,914 --> 00:01:18,666
-KEITH: I'm gonna blow me beans!
-(KELLY SCREAMING)
19
00:01:18,749 --> 00:01:20,710
Wahey!
20
00:01:24,463 --> 00:01:28,593
(SIGHS LOUDLY) Thanks for letting me
seagull your beautiful bangers.
21
00:01:31,679 --> 00:01:35,516
The icing on the cookie. It was lovely.
22
00:01:35,933 --> 00:01:37,184
(SIGHS)
23
00:01:37,768 --> 00:01:39,604
(BOTH BREATHING HEAVILY)
24
00:01:41,022 --> 00:01:42,189
Keith?
25
00:01:42,315 --> 00:01:43,357
Yeah?
26
00:01:44,275 --> 00:01:47,528
I just want you to know that I'm not with you
27
00:01:47,612 --> 00:01:51,324
because you're a disgustingly rich,
successful businessman,
28
00:01:52,199 --> 00:01:54,118
or devastatingly handsome...
29
00:01:54,201 --> 00:01:55,536
Yeah, I know.
30
00:01:55,620 --> 00:01:56,996
It's 'cause I've got
a nice personality, haven't I?
31
00:01:57,038 --> 00:01:59,040
But me handsomeness
is a faculty though, innit?
32
00:01:59,165 --> 00:02:01,167
Ooh, yeah. I mean, of course, it's a faculty.
33
00:02:01,292 --> 00:02:04,128
You know, my knees tremble with lust
whenever I come near you.
34
00:02:04,211 --> 00:02:05,630
Do they?
35
00:02:06,464 --> 00:02:10,051
You're the kind of hunky sex god
I've been looking for all my life,
36
00:02:10,217 --> 00:02:11,552
the man I always hoped I'd marry.
37
00:02:11,719 --> 00:02:13,095
-Honestly?
-Well...
38
00:02:14,221 --> 00:02:15,723
-Not really.
-Eh?
39
00:02:15,848 --> 00:02:18,351
Everything I'm saying is coming out
of your dirty little mind.
40
00:02:18,392 --> 00:02:21,228
You don't honestly think I'd let you
seagull my bangers in real life, do you?
41
00:02:21,354 --> 00:02:23,564
-Yeah.
-This is a dream.
42
00:02:23,731 --> 00:02:25,441
Your girlfriend is stood there watching us.
43
00:02:25,566 --> 00:02:27,026
-Hiya, Keith.
-Rosie!
44
00:02:28,027 --> 00:02:30,071
Oh, it's fine, I don't mind you
seagulling Kelly Brook's bangers.
45
00:02:30,112 --> 00:02:31,864
She's one of your "would if you could"
top-three celebrities.
46
00:02:31,906 --> 00:02:33,366
-Plus, you're never gonna meet her.
-She's right.
47
00:02:33,407 --> 00:02:34,742
You're never gonna meet me.
48
00:02:34,867 --> 00:02:36,744
She's right, you know?
You're never gonna meet her.
49
00:02:36,827 --> 00:02:38,663
This is all just a dream.
50
00:02:39,080 --> 00:02:41,165
UK garage sensation Craig David,
51
00:02:41,791 --> 00:02:44,794
-get out of my dream!
-(LAUGHING EVILLY)
52
00:02:48,589 --> 00:02:49,757
(GASPS)
53
00:02:49,799 --> 00:02:51,008
(TRAIN HORN BLOWS)
54
00:02:51,092 --> 00:02:52,760
(UK GARAGE TUNE PLAYS ON RADIO)
55
00:02:53,636 --> 00:02:54,762
-(FARTS)
-(SIGHS)
56
00:02:58,099 --> 00:02:59,266
(MUSIC STOPS)
57
00:03:02,144 --> 00:03:03,896
(BLEEPING RINGTONE)
58
00:03:10,152 --> 00:03:11,195
Hello?
59
00:03:11,487 --> 00:03:14,323
-Hiya, Keith. It's Rosie.
-Hello?
60
00:03:15,074 --> 00:03:17,451
-I can't hear you.
-(LAUGHS) Keith? It's Rosie.
61
00:03:17,576 --> 00:03:20,579
-I haven't got me thing in.
-Keith, what are you doing?
62
00:03:20,663 --> 00:03:22,957
-Just sticking me thing in.
-(STATIC) What are you putting in?
63
00:03:23,040 --> 00:03:24,458
Right, the thing's in. Hello, who is it?
64
00:03:24,625 --> 00:03:26,085
It's Rosie.
65
00:03:26,544 --> 00:03:29,714
Rosie, it's Keith.
I was just dreaming about you.
66
00:03:30,506 --> 00:03:32,633
Aw... Was it a romantic dream?
67
00:03:32,883 --> 00:03:35,469
Yeah, I seagulled all over your bangers.
68
00:03:35,553 --> 00:03:36,679
Aw...
69
00:03:37,430 --> 00:03:38,806
-I love you.
-Yeah, I know.
70
00:03:41,517 --> 00:03:42,810
Say it then.
71
00:03:43,561 --> 00:03:45,271
I do you, too.
72
00:03:46,188 --> 00:03:47,231
I miss ya.
73
00:03:47,481 --> 00:03:49,108
I'm comin' back tomorrow.
74
00:03:49,442 --> 00:03:55,114
And, anyway, Rosie, who else can make
a mashed potato sandwich like you?
75
00:03:56,657 --> 00:03:57,742
Is it nice?
76
00:03:57,908 --> 00:03:58,951
(COUGHS)
77
00:04:00,828 --> 00:04:03,247
(MUFFLED) I'm having it
for me breakfast now.
78
00:04:03,330 --> 00:04:05,291
It's the best mashed potato sandwich
I ever had in me life.
79
00:04:06,292 --> 00:04:11,005
Listen, I've got to be down here
for t'Invention Convention thing, haven't I?
80
00:04:11,172 --> 00:04:13,674
It's gonna take Securipole to a higher plateau.
81
00:04:13,799 --> 00:04:16,677
This time, Rosie, it's the big time this time.
82
00:04:16,844 --> 00:04:19,346
-So what time do you have to be there?
-9:00.
83
00:04:21,807 --> 00:04:23,184
And what time is it now?
84
00:04:24,852 --> 00:04:25,978
It's 10:00.
85
00:04:26,270 --> 00:04:27,313
Ass fucked!
86
00:04:27,354 --> 00:04:30,232
I'm, oh, so very late!
87
00:04:30,357 --> 00:04:33,027
(FAVOURITE SHIRTS [BOY MEETS GIRL]
BY HAIRCUT ONE HUNDRED PLAYS)
88
00:05:02,056 --> 00:05:03,808
Bang tidy.
89
00:05:13,901 --> 00:05:15,486
Fit.
90
00:05:19,240 --> 00:05:22,868
Okay, the reason that I've organised
this corporate dinner tonight
91
00:05:22,952 --> 00:05:26,872
is to tell you both that,
in two and a half days from now,
92
00:05:26,956 --> 00:05:28,666
I'm going to t'Big Apple.
93
00:05:28,916 --> 00:05:30,209
New York?
94
00:05:30,751 --> 00:05:33,212
No, other Big Apple, London.
95
00:05:35,756 --> 00:05:38,342
It's time to take Securipole global.
96
00:05:38,759 --> 00:05:43,097
America, Australia, maybe even Torquay.
97
00:05:47,393 --> 00:05:50,354
Why do you want to go to London now
when we've only just set up?
98
00:05:51,272 --> 00:05:53,983
Don't you think we should try
and sell some poles around here first,
99
00:05:54,066 --> 00:05:56,193
and then, you know, expand slowly?
100
00:05:56,277 --> 00:05:59,363
Rosie, the only thing
that's gonna be expanding slowly
101
00:05:59,530 --> 00:06:02,283
is my big, fat tallywacker in your mouth
102
00:06:02,700 --> 00:06:05,119
when we're making sweet love. (LAUGHS)
103
00:06:10,958 --> 00:06:12,543
I always wanted to go to that London,
104
00:06:12,626 --> 00:06:14,962
but me dad said it was likely
that I'd get stabbed.
105
00:06:15,129 --> 00:06:16,338
No, that's not likely.
106
00:06:16,422 --> 00:06:18,173
-Or bummed.
-That won't happen.
107
00:06:18,465 --> 00:06:20,968
Or bummed and stabbed.
108
00:06:21,051 --> 00:06:23,053
-By a terrorist.
-That might happen.
109
00:06:27,433 --> 00:06:30,227
And, Douglas, whilst I'm away,
look after Rosie,
110
00:06:30,311 --> 00:06:33,397
I'm making you the main man.
You're gonna be me.
111
00:06:38,444 --> 00:06:41,405
Rosie, don't you worry.
Whilst I'm down that London,
112
00:06:41,739 --> 00:06:46,201
I won't look at another bird,
no matter how FAF they are.
113
00:06:48,162 --> 00:06:49,204
"FAF"?
114
00:06:50,539 --> 00:06:52,499
KEITH: Fit as Fuck.
115
00:06:53,083 --> 00:06:55,920
-(MAN WHISTLES)
-I would go balls deep on that.
116
00:06:56,712 --> 00:06:58,547
-MAN 1: Phwoar!
-MAN 2:...hang out the back of that.
117
00:06:58,881 --> 00:07:02,051
SPEAKER: Order. Would the right honourable
gentlemen please calm down?
118
00:07:06,555 --> 00:07:07,723
Taxi!
119
00:07:22,446 --> 00:07:23,489
Oi!
120
00:07:23,572 --> 00:07:26,200
Thanks very much for letting me
share your London black cab.
121
00:07:26,283 --> 00:07:27,368
It's okay.
122
00:07:27,451 --> 00:07:29,453
I've got to say, you're my favourite Spice Girl.
123
00:07:30,120 --> 00:07:32,581
Aw, I bet you say that
to all the Spice Girls, don't you?
124
00:07:32,748 --> 00:07:34,667
No, I don't. I've never met any Spice Girls.
125
00:07:34,750 --> 00:07:35,876
Oh.
126
00:07:36,001 --> 00:07:37,127
Uh... This is me.
127
00:07:37,211 --> 00:07:39,296
Oh, don't you pay. I'll get this.
Don't worry about that.
128
00:07:39,380 --> 00:07:41,215
It's not every day you meet
your favourite Spice Girl, is it?
129
00:07:41,340 --> 00:07:43,008
Okay, thanks. Cheers.
130
00:07:43,050 --> 00:07:44,301
-Ta-ta.
-Bye.
131
00:07:48,055 --> 00:07:50,182
South Bank, please. Oh!
132
00:07:50,224 --> 00:07:51,517
Sorry. I thought the cab was free.
133
00:07:51,558 --> 00:07:52,851
No worries.
134
00:07:52,977 --> 00:07:56,230
I've got to say, you're my favourite Spice Girl.
135
00:07:56,563 --> 00:07:58,357
I bet you say that to all the Spice Girls.
136
00:07:58,399 --> 00:07:59,692
No, I've never met any Spice Girls.
137
00:07:59,733 --> 00:08:00,985
Well, I have, I've just met the Baby one.
138
00:08:01,068 --> 00:08:03,696
-Nice. Emma.
-Yeah, Emma Bunt-on.
139
00:08:04,321 --> 00:08:06,657
So let me tell you a bit about myself.
I sell Securipoles.
140
00:08:06,740 --> 00:08:09,243
And tell you what, 'cause you're a Spice Girl,
141
00:08:09,368 --> 00:08:11,745
I could do you a good deal,
I could stick one in your front passage,
142
00:08:11,870 --> 00:08:13,497
or I could stick one in your back passage.
143
00:08:13,580 --> 00:08:14,873
It's up to you.
144
00:08:14,915 --> 00:08:16,917
Oh, do you know what?
I think this is where I get out,
145
00:08:17,042 --> 00:08:19,044
-but it was so lovely to meet you.
-Nice to meet you.
146
00:08:19,086 --> 00:08:20,337
Yeah? Good luck in London and everything.
147
00:08:20,421 --> 00:08:21,422
Thanks.
148
00:08:21,547 --> 00:08:24,508
-Good luck with what you're doing. Bye.
-Bye.
149
00:08:24,717 --> 00:08:27,886
GRUFF VOICE: Taxi! Hold up!
150
00:08:29,430 --> 00:08:34,184
Come on, then, tell me
I'm your favourite Spice Girl. (LAUGHS)
151
00:08:34,268 --> 00:08:35,853
-(BLOWS RASPBERRY)
-You're my favourite Spice Girl.
152
00:08:35,936 --> 00:08:40,899
-Thanks, I'll run from here. Cheers!
-DRIVER: Stingy bastard!
153
00:08:40,941 --> 00:08:43,527
-Oh my days! Simon Pegg.
-Gary Barlow.
154
00:08:43,610 --> 00:08:46,405
-Oh, from Boyzone?
-You're thinking of Ronan Keating.
155
00:08:46,447 --> 00:08:48,198
No, I was thinking of Simon Pegg.
156
00:08:48,282 --> 00:08:50,117
Hey, I wouldn't go in there. It's Scary Spice.
157
00:08:50,242 --> 00:08:51,452
She's scratching her grapes and everything.
158
00:08:51,535 --> 00:08:52,786
It's terrible. It stinks.
159
00:08:52,911 --> 00:08:54,246
SCARY SPICE: Can you smell that?
160
00:08:54,288 --> 00:08:56,123
-Me minge is kicking out a reet pong!
-(TYRES SCREECH)
161
00:08:56,248 --> 00:08:57,708
BARLOW: Fuckin' hell.
162
00:08:57,791 --> 00:08:59,710
SCARY SPICE: Oh, you're a prude,
Barlow, you are.
163
00:08:59,793 --> 00:09:00,961
You're a fuckin' prude.
164
00:09:03,797 --> 00:09:07,134
Here I am,
at the Invention Convention in London,
165
00:09:07,259 --> 00:09:10,054
where the world's best
inventors and entrepreneurs
166
00:09:10,137 --> 00:09:13,265
are hoping to come up
with the revolutionary idea
167
00:09:13,307 --> 00:09:14,641
that will change the world.
168
00:09:14,725 --> 00:09:18,312
As the slogan suggests,
it's where dreams come true.
169
00:09:20,481 --> 00:09:23,484
Excuse me, can you tell me where
the Convention Invention is, please?
170
00:09:23,650 --> 00:09:24,985
Over there, mate.
171
00:09:26,737 --> 00:09:29,740
FEMALE ON PA:
Welcome to the Invention Convention.
172
00:09:29,823 --> 00:09:32,076
Of course it is. Okay.
173
00:09:33,118 --> 00:09:34,161
(EXHALES)
174
00:09:34,328 --> 00:09:35,496
Let's do this.
175
00:09:35,662 --> 00:09:37,748
WOMAN ON PA: Please keep off the grass.
176
00:09:43,670 --> 00:09:45,172
(WHIRRING)
177
00:09:51,678 --> 00:09:53,013
So, it removes your nasal hairs,
178
00:09:53,097 --> 00:09:54,848
but would it remove
the hairs from your testicles?
179
00:09:55,182 --> 00:09:58,018
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the Waterbot.
180
00:10:00,020 --> 00:10:01,355
I am Waterbot.
181
00:10:05,317 --> 00:10:06,360
Taste it.
182
00:10:07,027 --> 00:10:08,487
WATERBOT: Yeah, taste it.
183
00:10:13,117 --> 00:10:15,786
-It makes me wanna... Like, I wanna...
-Wanna...
184
00:10:15,869 --> 00:10:16,954
BOTH: Dance!
185
00:10:17,037 --> 00:10:18,622
(BOTH GRUNTING)
186
00:10:21,959 --> 00:10:23,001
BOTH: Power grab! Power grab!
187
00:10:23,043 --> 00:10:24,294
Power grab!
188
00:10:28,507 --> 00:10:31,718
(LAUGHING) Oh, bloody twazzocks.
189
00:10:35,681 --> 00:10:37,057
Ooosh!
190
00:10:37,141 --> 00:10:38,517
(SHOES SQUEAK)
191
00:10:38,559 --> 00:10:39,643
(BREATHES DEEPLY)
192
00:10:39,726 --> 00:10:41,728
(HUSHED)
This time is the big time this time.
193
00:10:41,812 --> 00:10:43,564
I'm Sylvester Stallone.
194
00:10:44,398 --> 00:10:46,024
Demolition Man.
195
00:10:46,066 --> 00:10:47,734
I can do this.
196
00:10:50,487 --> 00:10:53,824
Ladies and gentlemen,
allow me to introduce you
197
00:10:53,907 --> 00:10:58,912
to something that has travelled
back from the future to the past,
198
00:10:59,037 --> 00:11:01,832
right here to the present time,
199
00:11:01,915 --> 00:11:05,836
to protect your automoto vehicle.
200
00:11:06,670 --> 00:11:10,757
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the Securipole.
201
00:11:15,304 --> 00:11:18,640
I shall now demonstrate
an extremely quick erection.
202
00:11:27,566 --> 00:11:28,609
(WOMAN COUGHS)
203
00:11:30,444 --> 00:11:32,279
Sha-ting!
204
00:11:37,784 --> 00:11:38,827
Now,
205
00:11:39,411 --> 00:11:42,831
who would like a free consultation
without any obligation
206
00:11:42,956 --> 00:11:44,625
across the nation?
207
00:11:45,959 --> 00:11:47,294
Anyone?
208
00:11:47,336 --> 00:11:49,463
-Yes, sir, would you like a brochure?
-No.
209
00:11:49,796 --> 00:11:53,175
Some bumph, pamphlets? No? Okay.
Have a nice day.
210
00:11:57,804 --> 00:11:58,972
Oh, no.
211
00:11:59,765 --> 00:12:01,642
I like it!
212
00:12:02,142 --> 00:12:04,645
I like it big-time.
213
00:12:05,312 --> 00:12:08,482
It's shiny, neat, compact, simple.
214
00:12:08,982 --> 00:12:11,652
The name is Rihal. Kushvinder Rihal.
215
00:12:12,319 --> 00:12:16,156
Well, Kushvinder, nice to meet you.
My name's Keith.
216
00:12:16,531 --> 00:12:19,034
So, um, what's your business?
What you shifting?
217
00:12:21,703 --> 00:12:22,955
What, is it a secret?
218
00:12:23,538 --> 00:12:27,167
I have taken the buttons
from a mobile phone device
219
00:12:27,209 --> 00:12:30,045
and replaced them with no buttons.
220
00:12:32,339 --> 00:12:33,632
My friend,
221
00:12:33,715 --> 00:12:36,468
I give you the world's first
222
00:12:36,510 --> 00:12:40,472
Touchy, Screeny,
Phone Invention Type Invention,
223
00:12:40,722 --> 00:12:42,975
it's called the Tisipiti.
224
00:12:43,016 --> 00:12:44,518
Titistipi?
225
00:12:44,643 --> 00:12:45,852
Tisipiti.
226
00:12:45,894 --> 00:12:48,188
Tisipisti? Pisitist? It's called Pisitist?
227
00:12:48,563 --> 00:12:50,857
Sisipis? Pisipis?
228
00:12:51,024 --> 00:12:52,150
Tisipiti.
229
00:12:52,651 --> 00:12:54,361
I can't read Spanish.
What does it say? Tistipi...
230
00:12:54,528 --> 00:12:55,529
Tisipiti.
231
00:12:55,737 --> 00:12:57,322
Piss on titties?
232
00:12:58,156 --> 00:13:00,367
This is my problem!
233
00:13:00,409 --> 00:13:04,413
The device is revolutionary,
but name of it is shit.
234
00:13:04,538 --> 00:13:05,831
It's a bit shit.
235
00:13:05,872 --> 00:13:10,168
Nobody wants to buy a bloody phone
with no buttons with a shit name.
236
00:13:10,919 --> 00:13:13,755
This bloody... This phone.
237
00:13:14,923 --> 00:13:16,174
What are you doing?
238
00:13:16,341 --> 00:13:19,052
This phone is curse of my life.
239
00:13:19,386 --> 00:13:22,097
However, as far as I am concerned,
240
00:13:22,222 --> 00:13:27,185
I have never seen the public
presentation as captivating as yours.
241
00:13:27,227 --> 00:13:28,270
Oh, thanks.
242
00:13:28,687 --> 00:13:32,065
And the cavalier attitude
was sound as a pound.
243
00:13:32,107 --> 00:13:35,402
So, my friend, please, please, I beg you,
244
00:13:35,444 --> 00:13:37,279
take the phone and do what you will.
245
00:13:38,905 --> 00:13:42,242
You can give me 8.2% gross corridor
if you make any money.
246
00:13:42,868 --> 00:13:44,745
But I'm giving up on this product.
247
00:13:45,078 --> 00:13:46,705
So, it's all yours, Keith.
248
00:13:47,122 --> 00:13:48,415
(LAUGHS) What do you say?
249
00:13:49,249 --> 00:13:50,751
Well, I've got me own business,
haven't I? Secur...
250
00:13:50,917 --> 00:13:52,419
What do you say?
251
00:13:52,544 --> 00:13:55,130
-You can't just give all your...
-What do you say?
252
00:13:55,255 --> 00:13:56,423
(SIGHS)
253
00:13:58,383 --> 00:13:59,426
Okay.
254
00:14:01,595 --> 00:14:03,096
Ah. I feel free.
255
00:14:03,263 --> 00:14:04,639
How do you turn it on then?
256
00:14:05,557 --> 00:14:09,227
WOMAN ON PA: Attention, this is
an announcement for all exhibitors.
257
00:14:10,604 --> 00:14:14,399
Please pack up your inventions.
The show is over.
258
00:14:15,275 --> 00:14:16,651
You're telling me.
259
00:14:16,777 --> 00:14:18,779
(SIGHS)
260
00:14:28,121 --> 00:14:29,790
Going global.
261
00:14:32,501 --> 00:14:34,628
(DICKHEAD
BY KATE NASH PLAYING)
262
00:14:35,295 --> 00:14:37,714
♪ Why you being a dickhead for?
263
00:14:37,798 --> 00:14:40,967
♪ You're just fucking up situations
264
00:14:41,009 --> 00:14:43,637
♪ Why you being a dickhead for?
265
00:14:43,678 --> 00:14:45,889
♪ Stop being a dickhead ♪
266
00:14:51,186 --> 00:14:53,021
I wish Rosie was here.
267
00:14:53,313 --> 00:14:55,065
She'd know what to do.
268
00:14:56,858 --> 00:14:58,360
Well, I told ya.
269
00:14:58,485 --> 00:15:01,071
You should try and sell
some poles in Leeds first,
270
00:15:01,154 --> 00:15:02,656
expand the business slowly.
271
00:15:02,697 --> 00:15:04,324
It's not gonna just happen overnight, Keith.
272
00:15:05,075 --> 00:15:08,328
Rosie, I need some TLC.
273
00:15:08,412 --> 00:15:10,080
Some Tender Lemon Cuddles.
274
00:15:10,163 --> 00:15:11,331
Come here.
275
00:15:13,375 --> 00:15:15,377
-I miss you.
-I miss you.
276
00:15:15,502 --> 00:15:17,421
(ROMANTIC MUSIC SWELLS)
277
00:15:23,593 --> 00:15:26,096
-Will you nosh me off?
-(MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY)
278
00:15:26,346 --> 00:15:27,764
It's cold out, will you be quick?
279
00:15:27,848 --> 00:15:30,350
I'll be really quick
and it'll make me feel much better.
280
00:15:31,101 --> 00:15:33,562
-Okay.
-Thanks.
281
00:15:34,438 --> 00:15:37,399
Just put that in your mouth there.
Yeah, there you go.
282
00:15:37,524 --> 00:15:38,608
Ooh.
283
00:15:38,775 --> 00:15:40,861
Oh. Use some tongue. Yeah.
284
00:15:40,902 --> 00:15:43,071
Just manoeuvre your head. Move around.
285
00:15:43,780 --> 00:15:45,449
(MOANING)
286
00:15:49,369 --> 00:15:51,371
I'll tell you what, let's lay down.
287
00:15:52,205 --> 00:15:53,790
You be on top.
288
00:15:54,875 --> 00:15:56,209
(BREATHING HEAVILY)
289
00:15:57,752 --> 00:15:59,963
Ah! You sat on me balls, sat on me balls.
290
00:16:01,882 --> 00:16:02,924
Nice, exhilarating.
291
00:16:03,925 --> 00:16:06,386
Turn around. Let's do it from behind.
292
00:16:07,471 --> 00:16:13,059
Just feel your breasts. (MOANS)
293
00:16:13,727 --> 00:16:15,228
Like a monkey.
294
00:16:16,146 --> 00:16:17,898
Dribbling like a fried egg sandwich.
295
00:16:17,981 --> 00:16:19,858
(NORTHERN ENGLISH ACCENT)
Dirty, bloody Londoner.
296
00:16:19,983 --> 00:16:22,486
Come on, Mother, we're going home.
297
00:16:22,736 --> 00:16:24,196
Jesus!
298
00:16:25,864 --> 00:16:28,575
I'm going crazy. Must be t'stress.
299
00:16:29,326 --> 00:16:32,496
What's she gonna say when she finds out
I've ordered a thousand poles?
300
00:16:32,579 --> 00:16:34,331
(FOG HORN BLOWS)
301
00:16:34,414 --> 00:16:38,043
If it was a thousand,
and not two and a 'alf thousand.
302
00:16:38,668 --> 00:16:40,921
I'm totally screwed if it's
two and a 'alf thousand.
303
00:16:43,590 --> 00:16:44,758
One million poles?
304
00:16:45,800 --> 00:16:47,093
There must've been a mistake with the order.
305
00:16:47,219 --> 00:16:49,221
We clearly haven't ordered a million poles.
306
00:16:49,262 --> 00:16:52,724
Well, a Mr Keith Lemon
ordered them, apparently.
307
00:16:52,974 --> 00:16:54,142
-Who from?
-Uh...
308
00:16:55,393 --> 00:16:58,313
-E. Steve Incorporated.
-Who's E. Steve?
309
00:16:58,813 --> 00:17:02,776
Evil Steve. He is an evil bastard.
310
00:17:03,735 --> 00:17:06,154
You know Hoodless Harry, don't you?
He had a plumbing business.
311
00:17:06,446 --> 00:17:09,115
He couldn't make the payments
on 100 U-bends he'd ordered.
312
00:17:09,157 --> 00:17:11,409
Not a million like what's going on here,
313
00:17:11,785 --> 00:17:13,245
a mere hundred.
314
00:17:14,120 --> 00:17:17,123
Well, when he couldn't pay up,
he had to pay in skin.
315
00:17:17,415 --> 00:17:18,625
(MEN LAUGHING)
316
00:17:20,085 --> 00:17:21,461
-Skin?
-(SCREAMING)
317
00:17:22,462 --> 00:17:24,130
Aye, foreskin.
318
00:17:24,464 --> 00:17:26,508
(RACY MUSIC PLAYING)
319
00:17:36,977 --> 00:17:38,144
Hello.
320
00:17:39,854 --> 00:17:42,607
I gotta say, our Gary,
thanks for coming down to see us.
321
00:17:42,649 --> 00:17:43,775
Not a problem.
322
00:17:43,817 --> 00:17:46,611
I said I'd take me mum
to see Cliff Richards at Madame Tussauds.
323
00:17:46,653 --> 00:17:48,154
Oh, aye. Did it look like him?
324
00:17:48,321 --> 00:17:50,323
No. Melted him down, turned him into...
(SHOUTS)...Beyoncé!
325
00:17:50,490 --> 00:17:53,827
I don't know why I came to London,
I've not sold one Securipole.
326
00:17:54,035 --> 00:17:56,621
The only thing you'll sell down here,
Keith, is your soul.
327
00:17:56,663 --> 00:17:58,039
And you'll end up in the shit.
328
00:17:58,331 --> 00:18:02,127
Yeah, it's all gone tits up. Not you, love.
You can keep 'em where they are.
329
00:18:02,335 --> 00:18:05,338
I don't even know why you wanna move
to London in the first place for anyhow.
330
00:18:05,463 --> 00:18:07,299
They can't even understand us.
You can't even order a drink.
331
00:18:07,507 --> 00:18:08,675
Go on. Go and try.
332
00:18:08,717 --> 00:18:10,510
Excuse me, can I have a Coke, please?
333
00:18:11,052 --> 00:18:12,470
Did you just call me a cock?
334
00:18:12,512 --> 00:18:14,556
No, I said, can I have a glass of Coke?
335
00:18:14,681 --> 00:18:16,725
You want me to put my arse on your cock?
336
00:18:17,809 --> 00:18:19,144
Fuck off, you ginger twat.
337
00:18:19,519 --> 00:18:22,147
It's strawberry blond.
I'm strawberry blond, aren't I?
338
00:18:22,188 --> 00:18:24,691
Let me give you a bit of advice
that my dad gave to me
339
00:18:24,733 --> 00:18:26,860
just before he went off to join the circus.
340
00:18:27,193 --> 00:18:28,737
He said, "Never..."
341
00:18:28,862 --> 00:18:30,155
(MUFFLED)
342
00:18:33,575 --> 00:18:34,701
Yeah.
343
00:18:38,163 --> 00:18:40,707
"...animals or any other kind or livestock."
344
00:18:40,832 --> 00:18:41,875
Fair do's.
345
00:18:42,000 --> 00:18:44,169
If it works out well, I'll be right behind you.
346
00:18:44,210 --> 00:18:47,881
But if you change,
I'll let you know you've changed.
347
00:18:47,922 --> 00:18:49,424
(GRUNTING)
348
00:18:52,427 --> 00:18:53,845
All right, Mom.
349
00:18:54,512 --> 00:18:56,931
Let's go and have a look
at this fucking London Eye.
350
00:18:57,724 --> 00:19:00,352
-Ta-ra, Auntie Fanny.
-Ta-ra, our Keith.
351
00:19:00,393 --> 00:19:03,521
I can't believe that's her real name.
It's American for "arse."
352
00:19:03,772 --> 00:19:05,231
DELIVERY MAN:
Well, I'm gonna need a signature.
353
00:19:05,273 --> 00:19:06,900
ROSIE: Only an idiot would sign that.
354
00:19:10,278 --> 00:19:12,030
I'll sign it for ya.
355
00:19:12,614 --> 00:19:16,201
-What are you dressed as?
-Keith Lemon. The main man.
356
00:19:16,242 --> 00:19:18,953
As instructed by the actual main man,
Keith Lemon.
357
00:19:20,622 --> 00:19:23,750
Can I just say, Rosie,
that you look bang tidy. Ooosh!
358
00:19:25,752 --> 00:19:26,920
Why's my pen not working?
359
00:19:29,255 --> 00:19:30,799
It tastes of piss and all.
360
00:19:31,091 --> 00:19:32,300
That's not a pen.
361
00:19:32,425 --> 00:19:34,260
No, it's a pregnancy test.
362
00:19:34,344 --> 00:19:36,596
Ho-ho! And it's positive.
363
00:19:36,930 --> 00:19:39,265
Congratulations, you make a lovely couple.
364
00:19:39,349 --> 00:19:41,434
-Well done, Keith.
-Thank you.
365
00:19:41,476 --> 00:19:43,687
We're not a couple. That's not Keith Lemon.
366
00:19:43,812 --> 00:19:45,021
I'm Douglas.
367
00:19:45,271 --> 00:19:46,773
Douglas Orange.
368
00:19:48,191 --> 00:19:50,360
(BLEEPING RINGTONE)
369
00:19:50,443 --> 00:19:51,486
Hello?
370
00:19:51,861 --> 00:19:53,947
Hiya, it's Rosie. How's things?
371
00:19:54,280 --> 00:19:56,324
What is it, Rosie? Is everything okay?
372
00:19:56,449 --> 00:19:59,285
Um... We've got a bit of a problem.
373
00:19:59,327 --> 00:20:02,122
What's up, Rosie? A distinct stress
in your voice, what's the matter?
374
00:20:02,205 --> 00:20:04,624
Have you ordered some, um...
Some poles?
375
00:20:04,833 --> 00:20:06,960
Yeah, I did, I ordered a thousand.
376
00:20:07,001 --> 00:20:08,044
Good job I did, as well,
377
00:20:08,169 --> 00:20:09,879
'cause I've already surpassed
my presale expectations.
378
00:20:10,964 --> 00:20:13,466
-How many noughts in a thousand, Keith?
-Huh?
379
00:20:14,634 --> 00:20:16,052
-How many, Keith?
-Uh...
380
00:20:16,302 --> 00:20:18,888
A few of those circular buggers. Um, six?
381
00:20:19,973 --> 00:20:21,349
Six noughts is a million!
382
00:20:21,474 --> 00:20:25,145
You've ordered a million Securipoles
from Evil Steve.
383
00:20:25,353 --> 00:20:27,355
Rosie, don't worry
because Evil Steve isn't that evil.
384
00:20:27,480 --> 00:20:29,190
He's friends with Fairdo's Mick
and Nice Tariq.
385
00:20:29,315 --> 00:20:31,985
"Fairdo's Mick"? "Nice Tariq"?
Who are these people?
386
00:20:32,026 --> 00:20:34,154
Why are you doing business with weirdoes?
387
00:20:34,320 --> 00:20:35,530
Hey, they aren't weird.
388
00:20:35,655 --> 00:20:37,031
You wanna worry about Weird Paul.
389
00:20:37,157 --> 00:20:39,701
He's got a minge and a penis.
You don't know where you stand with him.
390
00:20:39,826 --> 00:20:41,035
Keith, this is serious.
391
00:20:41,161 --> 00:20:43,204
On a happier note, Keith, Rosie is pregnant.
392
00:20:43,329 --> 00:20:45,707
-You're gonna be a daddy.
-(YELLS) Dougie, that's private!
393
00:20:46,332 --> 00:20:47,375
Daddy?
394
00:20:48,918 --> 00:20:50,503
All right, give us your fucking money, bruv.
395
00:20:52,839 --> 00:20:54,841
Excuse me, what did you say?
Sorry, I was on t'phone.
396
00:20:55,216 --> 00:21:00,054
I said, "Give me your fucking money, bruv."
397
00:21:02,515 --> 00:21:04,017
Listen, guys.
398
00:21:04,058 --> 00:21:06,019
(LAUGHS NERVOUSLY)
399
00:21:06,060 --> 00:21:07,937
You don't want to do this.
400
00:21:08,021 --> 00:21:10,440
I know about your troubles and strifes.
401
00:21:10,565 --> 00:21:11,691
Yeah?
402
00:21:11,775 --> 00:21:16,279
(JAMAICAN ACCENT)
Wagwan, bredbin? Bumbinsquat and ting.
403
00:21:16,362 --> 00:21:17,405
I'm one of yours.
404
00:21:17,530 --> 00:21:19,199
-One of us?
-Yes.
405
00:21:19,365 --> 00:21:21,785
I, too, am biracial.
406
00:21:21,868 --> 00:21:23,912
You'll probably notice that me figmentation
407
00:21:24,037 --> 00:21:25,705
is darker than the average white man.
408
00:21:25,747 --> 00:21:28,625
That's because me mam
had an affair with Billy Ocean.
409
00:21:31,544 --> 00:21:33,213
Who the fuck is Billy Ocean?
410
00:21:33,546 --> 00:21:34,964
You don't know who Billy Ocean is?
411
00:21:35,256 --> 00:21:36,716
Billy Ocean sang...
412
00:21:38,051 --> 00:21:39,719
(BEATBOXING)
413
00:21:41,554 --> 00:21:42,639
Keith?
414
00:21:42,722 --> 00:21:44,599
(BEATBOXING)
415
00:21:45,892 --> 00:21:47,060
Keith?
416
00:21:48,228 --> 00:21:49,729
He's singing When The Going Gets Tough.
417
00:21:49,813 --> 00:21:52,607
Keith's dad sang that. It's Billy Ocean.
418
00:21:52,941 --> 00:21:54,108
Billy Ocean?
419
00:21:54,234 --> 00:21:55,235
♪ Ooh! I wanna touch you ♪
420
00:21:56,444 --> 00:21:57,487
It's you.
421
00:21:57,612 --> 00:22:00,573
♪ Wanna touch you
And do the things that lovers do
422
00:22:00,615 --> 00:22:02,909
♪ 'Cause when the going gets tough
423
00:22:03,743 --> 00:22:04,953
♪ The tough get going
424
00:22:05,078 --> 00:22:07,580
♪ When the going gets rough
425
00:22:07,622 --> 00:22:09,582
♪ Hey, hey, hey ♪
426
00:22:09,624 --> 00:22:12,001
Be even better if you took that down.
It'll be muffled.
427
00:22:12,085 --> 00:22:15,421
♪ Hey hey! Hey-hey-hey! Hey! ♪
428
00:22:15,463 --> 00:22:18,424
(TUTS)
What the fuck is this piece of shit, man?
429
00:22:18,466 --> 00:22:19,843
ROSIE: Keith, are you there?
430
00:22:20,260 --> 00:22:21,928
-It's me telephone.
-ROSIE: Keith?
431
00:22:21,970 --> 00:22:23,012
(LINE DISCONNECTS)
432
00:22:23,096 --> 00:22:24,681
The line's gone dead.
433
00:22:25,306 --> 00:22:28,643
Listen, guys, we can do this the easy way,
434
00:22:28,768 --> 00:22:30,937
or we can do it not the easy way.
435
00:22:31,020 --> 00:22:32,313
That being...
436
00:22:32,438 --> 00:22:33,606
The hard way!
437
00:22:33,940 --> 00:22:35,775
Ooosh!
438
00:22:36,317 --> 00:22:39,279
Come on! I'll kill you down, rasclaats!
439
00:22:40,446 --> 00:22:41,656
Then rasclaat this, man.
440
00:22:41,781 --> 00:22:42,949
(GRUNTS)
441
00:22:43,658 --> 00:22:44,951
Just don't touch me hair,
442
00:22:45,660 --> 00:22:47,620
'cause I've recently had a Brazilian
blow-dry. It took three hours.
443
00:22:47,996 --> 00:22:48,997
(EXCLAIMS)
444
00:22:49,706 --> 00:22:50,999
(HUMMING)
445
00:22:54,794 --> 00:22:56,963
♪ I've just been mugged
I've just been mugged
446
00:22:57,005 --> 00:22:59,632
♪ To lighten the mood
I'm singing this song
447
00:22:59,799 --> 00:23:01,968
♪ I'm out for the count
But it won't be for long ♪
448
00:23:02,510 --> 00:23:04,220
Ooosh! Ooosh!
449
00:23:04,304 --> 00:23:08,516
Hello, and welcome to my inner conscience.
450
00:23:08,850 --> 00:23:10,977
-(AUDIENCE CHEERING WILDLY)
-Yes! Thanks, now bring it down.
451
00:23:11,019 --> 00:23:12,312
(AUDIENCE QUIETS DOWN)
452
00:23:12,353 --> 00:23:13,855
-Now, bring it back up.
-(AUDIENCE CHEERS WILDLY)
453
00:23:13,980 --> 00:23:15,815
Yes! Thanks for coming.
454
00:23:15,899 --> 00:23:19,319
Okay, I'm here to fill the time until
I come back around from this mugging
455
00:23:19,402 --> 00:23:21,821
by those "yoots" of today.
456
00:23:22,196 --> 00:23:23,323
Oh, listen.
457
00:23:23,406 --> 00:23:24,699
Get his fucking suit, you lot, man.
458
00:23:24,824 --> 00:23:25,992
Shit!
459
00:23:26,159 --> 00:23:29,329
-They've taken me clothes, the little bastards.
-(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
460
00:23:29,662 --> 00:23:30,747
It's a good suit that, as well,
461
00:23:30,830 --> 00:23:33,875
me mam got me that
from BandHS and C
462
00:23:34,250 --> 00:23:35,752
Anyway, whilst we're here,
463
00:23:35,835 --> 00:23:36,878
we might as well have a bit of fun, hadn't we,
464
00:23:37,003 --> 00:23:38,254
so I can connect with you.
465
00:23:38,546 --> 00:23:41,549
Let's see if you can guess
what I'm thinking of right here
466
00:23:41,674 --> 00:23:43,551
in my inner conscience.
467
00:23:43,718 --> 00:23:45,345
It's nice, innit?
468
00:23:45,386 --> 00:23:49,766
Okay, you got an allotted time
and your time starts...
469
00:23:49,849 --> 00:23:51,726
now! (HONKS)
470
00:23:51,851 --> 00:23:54,020
That's it, your time's up.
So, did you get it right?
471
00:23:54,103 --> 00:23:57,690
That's correct! It was a wall of arses.
472
00:23:58,024 --> 00:24:01,527
There's my favourite, I don't know about you.
I quite like that one as well there.
473
00:24:01,569 --> 00:24:02,779
Wi' t'dimples on t'back.
474
00:24:02,862 --> 00:24:05,031
I like to get me thumbs in
when I'm smashing back doors in.
475
00:24:05,114 --> 00:24:06,866
-(MOBILE CHIMING)
-Okay. Oh, listen.
476
00:24:07,200 --> 00:24:09,118
-(MOBILE VIBRATES)
-KUSHVINDER: You got bloody text.
477
00:24:09,202 --> 00:24:11,079
Just getting a text through
on that funny phone thing.
478
00:24:11,204 --> 00:24:12,205
(MOBILE CONTINUES CHIMING)
479
00:24:12,372 --> 00:24:14,040
-KUSHVINDER: You got bloody text.
-Well, I better go.
480
00:24:14,082 --> 00:24:15,416
Okay, I was me inner conscience.
481
00:24:15,541 --> 00:24:17,961
If I don't see you through t'week,
I'll see you through t'window.
482
00:24:18,086 --> 00:24:19,587
I better get back into me bad self.
483
00:24:19,921 --> 00:24:21,214
Sha-ting!
484
00:24:22,757 --> 00:24:23,967
KUSHVINDER: You got bloody text.
485
00:24:24,050 --> 00:24:25,635
(MOBILE CHIMING)
486
00:24:26,928 --> 00:24:28,888
-KUSHVINDER: You got bloody text.
-(MOBILE CHIMES)
487
00:24:28,972 --> 00:24:30,431
(GROANS)
488
00:24:31,432 --> 00:24:33,893
-KUSHVINDER: You got bloody text.
-(MOBILE CHIMES)
489
00:24:35,687 --> 00:24:37,772
-KUSHVINDER: You got bloody text.
-(MOBILE CHIMES)
490
00:24:38,815 --> 00:24:42,944
"Just been mugged?
Look like a bum covered in blood?"
491
00:24:43,945 --> 00:24:45,321
(MOBILE CHIMES)
492
00:24:45,405 --> 00:24:47,699
"Then visit The Fixer.
493
00:24:48,032 --> 00:24:51,619
"No problem too small, no disaster too tall."
494
00:24:52,120 --> 00:24:53,204
(CHUCKLES WEAKLY)
495
00:24:53,329 --> 00:24:54,539
Rhymes.
496
00:24:55,707 --> 00:24:57,458
Then follow the Sati-nav.
497
00:24:58,376 --> 00:25:01,587
Tisipiti Sati-nav service is operating,
isn't it, mate?
498
00:25:01,796 --> 00:25:03,965
Get up, dust yourself off
499
00:25:04,048 --> 00:25:07,719
and climb gallantly out of threatening subway.
500
00:25:07,802 --> 00:25:09,554
What have I got to lose?
501
00:25:12,473 --> 00:25:13,891
Oh, me spincter.
502
00:25:16,269 --> 00:25:17,603
(GROANS)
503
00:25:17,687 --> 00:25:21,607
I'm glad they didn't take
these shoes. I love these shoes.
504
00:25:23,735 --> 00:25:26,362
KUSHVINDER:
Fearlessly exit the pissy subway.
505
00:25:32,702 --> 00:25:33,995
Straight.
506
00:25:34,829 --> 00:25:36,289
More straight.
507
00:25:37,915 --> 00:25:39,000
Stop!
508
00:25:39,083 --> 00:25:40,293
(CROWS CAWING)
509
00:25:40,585 --> 00:25:43,671
You have reached your bloody destiny,
isn't it, mate?
510
00:25:43,755 --> 00:25:46,007
We got here in good time, kids.
511
00:25:54,057 --> 00:25:55,516
(DOOR CREAKS)
512
00:26:00,104 --> 00:26:03,024
KUSHVINDER: Now we go upstairs.
Uppityuppity.
513
00:26:03,316 --> 00:26:05,026
(CAWING CONTINUES)
514
00:26:05,651 --> 00:26:07,528
Right turn.
515
00:26:07,779 --> 00:26:10,156
Bloody spooky, isn't it, mate?
516
00:26:11,199 --> 00:26:14,327
Don't knock. It's open. Good luck, kid.
517
00:26:14,452 --> 00:26:15,787
(CREAKING)
518
00:26:18,581 --> 00:26:21,709
ARCHIMEDES: Listen, G, if this next
fix doesn't get me back in the club,
519
00:26:22,085 --> 00:26:26,547
then you can cut my dick off
and fuck me in the holiest of all holes.
520
00:26:26,798 --> 00:26:28,549
That's right. I said it.
521
00:26:29,175 --> 00:26:30,468
The asshole.
522
00:26:32,220 --> 00:26:34,222
Take a seat, Mr Lemon.
I'll be with you in a minute.
523
00:26:35,640 --> 00:26:36,933
Clean yourself up.
524
00:26:38,476 --> 00:26:41,229
(CHUCKLING) Yeah, yeah, I know.
The moustache is pretty bad.
525
00:26:41,979 --> 00:26:44,273
Who the hell has a moustache these days?
526
00:26:45,358 --> 00:26:47,985
See ya, I always wanna be ya.
527
00:26:51,405 --> 00:26:53,157
Okay, back to business.
528
00:26:57,203 --> 00:27:00,039
Hi, I'm Archimedes. I'm The Fixer.
529
00:27:01,541 --> 00:27:03,000
Nice to meet you, Keith.
530
00:27:03,668 --> 00:27:05,837
What's unfolding in this scenario?
531
00:27:05,920 --> 00:27:08,840
Um, well, like the text said, I'm The Fixer.
532
00:27:09,799 --> 00:27:11,342
-Fixer?
-Yeah.
533
00:27:11,926 --> 00:27:14,762
I find people who are down and out
and I try to help them.
534
00:27:16,139 --> 00:27:17,723
Now, before we get started,
535
00:27:18,182 --> 00:27:20,518
I just have some preliminary questions for you.
536
00:27:21,644 --> 00:27:24,856
If you were to describe your situation
in one word, what would that be?
537
00:27:25,106 --> 00:27:26,149
Oh.
538
00:27:26,232 --> 00:27:31,863
Well, basically, I've always dreamed
of being the next Richard Branston.
539
00:27:31,946 --> 00:27:33,364
You know, Branston Pickles.
540
00:27:34,490 --> 00:27:38,161
I'd like to be a household name
with my product, Securipole,
541
00:27:38,244 --> 00:27:42,123
which I've accidentally preordered
a million of from Evil Steve,
542
00:27:42,206 --> 00:27:43,958
that's because I'm numerically dyslexic.
543
00:27:44,959 --> 00:27:47,712
And, so far, I've not sold one,
so I won't be able to pay him back,
544
00:27:47,795 --> 00:27:49,380
and he's probably gonna cut me foreskin off.
545
00:27:49,505 --> 00:27:50,965
And I don't even got one,
I had it removed with I was three.
546
00:27:51,048 --> 00:27:52,091
(MURMURS) Foreskin.
547
00:27:52,175 --> 00:27:53,926
I'm as smooth as a dolphin's beak downstairs.
548
00:27:54,010 --> 00:27:55,178
I don't know what else he's gonna cut off.
549
00:27:55,261 --> 00:27:57,597
And also, me girlfriend,
that's not really me girlfriend,
550
00:27:57,680 --> 00:27:59,891
is my girlfriend,
but she ain't really me girlfriend,
551
00:28:00,016 --> 00:28:01,642
but she is me girlfriend, she's pregnant.
552
00:28:01,726 --> 00:28:02,810
Don't know how that's happened
553
00:28:02,894 --> 00:28:04,270
because I swear I pulled it out at the right time.
554
00:28:04,353 --> 00:28:06,939
And I've got verruca.
And I think that me piles have come back.
555
00:28:07,064 --> 00:28:09,609
It's like a shitake mushroom
hanging out of me asshole.
556
00:28:09,775 --> 00:28:12,195
It's like I've got an ingrown toenail
in me chocolate starfish.
557
00:28:12,320 --> 00:28:14,447
-Have a look at that. See there?
-(GAGGING)
558
00:28:15,323 --> 00:28:16,449
(COUGHS)
559
00:28:16,574 --> 00:28:18,451
-By it hurts. The pain's excruciating.
-Okay.
560
00:28:19,160 --> 00:28:21,037
Just in one word, Keith.
561
00:28:23,456 --> 00:28:24,582
Fucked!
562
00:28:27,251 --> 00:28:29,128
DELIVERY MAN: There's one thing
I don't understand.
563
00:28:29,212 --> 00:28:32,632
If Billy Ocean is Keith's dad,
why isn't he called Keith Ocean?
564
00:28:32,715 --> 00:28:34,717
Because his name's Lemon.
565
00:28:34,800 --> 00:28:36,594
He took his mother's name after Billy left.
566
00:28:37,386 --> 00:28:38,554
Oh, yeah.
567
00:28:39,013 --> 00:28:40,306
Of course.
568
00:28:40,389 --> 00:28:43,809
And I can see his Caribbeanesque features.
569
00:28:45,144 --> 00:28:47,355
So, is anyone gonna sign for these poles?
570
00:28:47,480 --> 00:28:49,232
Oh, will you just take them away?
571
00:28:49,398 --> 00:28:51,025
We've obviously made a mistake
with the order.
572
00:28:51,108 --> 00:28:52,151
Hey!
573
00:28:52,610 --> 00:28:53,778
Don't shoot the messenger.
574
00:28:53,861 --> 00:28:55,780
I'm not the bad man here.
575
00:28:55,863 --> 00:28:57,949
-It's Evil Steve.
-(STOMACH GURGLES)
576
00:28:58,199 --> 00:29:00,159
Evil Steve.
Who the hell calls themself Evil Steve?
577
00:29:00,243 --> 00:29:01,285
-(GURGLING CONTINUES)
-Excuse me.
578
00:29:02,078 --> 00:29:03,246
Ooh...
579
00:29:04,247 --> 00:29:06,165
-You've said his name twice.
-(DOOR OPENS)
580
00:29:06,249 --> 00:29:07,625
-I dare you to say it three times.
-(DOOR CLOSES)
581
00:29:07,959 --> 00:29:09,460
-Evil Steve.
-No, don't.
582
00:29:09,794 --> 00:29:10,962
-Evil Steve.
-No.
583
00:29:11,254 --> 00:29:12,505
Evil Steve!
584
00:29:12,630 --> 00:29:13,881
(THUNDER CRACKS)
585
00:29:14,382 --> 00:29:17,343
♪ Evil Steve, Evil Steve ♪
586
00:29:17,426 --> 00:29:18,511
(BONES CRACKING)
587
00:29:18,636 --> 00:29:22,265
♪ Naughty Geordie Evil Steve
588
00:29:23,015 --> 00:29:24,058
♪ Evil Steve ♪
589
00:29:24,725 --> 00:29:29,772
(GEORDIE ACCENT) Evil? Me? You make us
sound like Bin Laden, you do.
590
00:29:29,855 --> 00:29:30,982
Evil?
591
00:29:32,275 --> 00:29:34,860
Where's Lemon? Huh?
592
00:29:35,528 --> 00:29:36,696
Where is he?
593
00:29:38,823 --> 00:29:41,742
Where's stinky fuckin' ginge?
594
00:29:42,451 --> 00:29:43,869
Where is he?
595
00:29:44,662 --> 00:29:47,832
Here I am. The order was a mistake.
596
00:29:47,999 --> 00:29:52,128
So, please leave my premises,
Evil Steve, or I will call the police.
597
00:29:56,007 --> 00:29:58,009
Let's have a look at ye.
598
00:29:59,051 --> 00:30:00,136
(WAILING)
599
00:30:06,767 --> 00:30:07,810
(LAUGHS EVILLY)
600
00:30:08,978 --> 00:30:11,105
That's brown sauce.
601
00:30:11,480 --> 00:30:13,524
Dennis, he got brown sauce on his face.
602
00:30:13,649 --> 00:30:14,692
(LAUGHING)
603
00:30:14,775 --> 00:30:18,195
Howay, Dennis, let's gan.
Otherwise we're gonna miss The X Factor.
604
00:30:18,487 --> 00:30:21,324
It's the results show tonight,
which is me favourite.
605
00:30:21,407 --> 00:30:22,533
Let's take her with us.
606
00:30:22,700 --> 00:30:24,243
I'm not coming anywhere with you.
607
00:30:24,368 --> 00:30:27,038
-You are, biscuit tits.
-I'm not coming.
608
00:30:27,121 --> 00:30:28,289
-You are.
-Dougie! Dougie!
609
00:30:28,372 --> 00:30:30,082
-Rosie! Rosie!
-Dougie!
610
00:30:30,958 --> 00:30:33,377
I'm taking this little titty cup here. Good night.
611
00:30:34,879 --> 00:30:36,547
♪ Evil Stevie
612
00:30:36,630 --> 00:30:38,215
♪ Naughty Geordie ♪
613
00:30:39,383 --> 00:30:42,094
I'm gonna turn you into a human Securipole,
614
00:30:42,261 --> 00:30:45,806
if I don't get me money
within an allotted time slot.
615
00:30:46,557 --> 00:30:48,225
-Oh! (GROANS)
-What's wrong?
616
00:30:48,351 --> 00:30:51,228
I keep getting a shooting pain in me arsehole.
617
00:30:52,271 --> 00:30:54,398
-ROSIE: Dougie!
-That was a fast one.
618
00:30:54,565 --> 00:30:55,941
(GROANING)
619
00:30:56,317 --> 00:31:00,071
Dougie, go to London. Get Keith. Get Keith!
620
00:31:00,154 --> 00:31:01,280
Rosie!
621
00:31:02,740 --> 00:31:04,075
♪ Evil Steve ♪
622
00:31:04,825 --> 00:31:06,160
London, eh?
623
00:31:07,036 --> 00:31:09,497
It's full of gays and terrorists down there.
624
00:31:10,456 --> 00:31:13,542
You'll probably get bummed and stabbed.
625
00:31:13,667 --> 00:31:15,586
That's what my dad said.
626
00:31:18,255 --> 00:31:20,091
(KEITH BREATHING HEAVILY)
627
00:31:24,011 --> 00:31:27,515
I pay a lot of money for this place,
but it's worth it for the view.
628
00:31:27,598 --> 00:31:30,184
Tell me about it. I'm tit-matised.
629
00:31:30,267 --> 00:31:31,352
Ooh!
630
00:31:31,769 --> 00:31:35,815
Listen, right, if you're The Fixer,
how are you gonna fix...
631
00:31:35,898 --> 00:31:37,483
Where's he gone?
632
00:31:38,025 --> 00:31:39,443
What are you doing?
633
00:31:39,527 --> 00:31:42,321
I'm in dire straits here.
Not the band, the predicament.
634
00:31:43,072 --> 00:31:44,198
So, how are you gonna fix me?
635
00:31:44,907 --> 00:31:46,909
Well, what you got to work with?
636
00:31:47,159 --> 00:31:48,786
Nowt.
637
00:31:49,787 --> 00:31:52,873
Apart from this hi-tech phone,
638
00:31:52,957 --> 00:31:55,960
where the buttons have been
replaced with no buttons,
639
00:31:56,043 --> 00:31:58,462
but the fella that gave it to me
couldn't even give it away,
640
00:31:58,546 --> 00:32:01,549
apart from the one he gave to me,
he gave them all to me.
641
00:32:08,931 --> 00:32:10,057
Argh!
642
00:32:15,813 --> 00:32:17,314
-I got it!
-What?
643
00:32:17,940 --> 00:32:19,567
What if we remarket the phone
with a new identity?
644
00:32:19,733 --> 00:32:21,610
-What do you mean?
-Put your name to it.
645
00:32:21,902 --> 00:32:23,529
You said you always wanted
to be a household name.
646
00:32:23,612 --> 00:32:24,655
I do.
647
00:32:24,780 --> 00:32:25,865
Hopefully, they'll buy it
648
00:32:25,948 --> 00:32:28,242
and you'll make enough money
to pay Terrible Tony.
649
00:32:28,325 --> 00:32:30,744
-Do you mean Evil Steve?
-Exactly! Problem solved.
650
00:32:31,328 --> 00:32:32,538
Yarussky!
651
00:32:32,872 --> 00:32:34,498
More importantly, though,
do you think we'll have
652
00:32:34,582 --> 00:32:36,459
enough money to
pay for a cock enlargement for meself?
653
00:32:36,542 --> 00:32:37,626
Uh...
654
00:32:38,836 --> 00:32:41,255
It'd be like a gift for meself.
655
00:32:41,338 --> 00:32:43,799
It'd be like a Christmas present.
656
00:32:44,675 --> 00:32:45,801
Birthday present.
657
00:32:46,927 --> 00:32:48,471
St George's Day present.
658
00:32:49,346 --> 00:32:52,141
(I NEED A DOLLAR
BY ALOE BLACC PLAYS)
659
00:32:52,224 --> 00:32:56,312
♪ I need a dollar, dollar, dollar
That's what I need
660
00:32:56,395 --> 00:33:00,191
♪ Hey, hey
♪ Well, I need a dollar, dollar, dollar...
661
00:33:00,274 --> 00:33:01,358
So, where are we going now?
662
00:33:01,442 --> 00:33:03,194
Well, now that we got the phones,
663
00:33:03,277 --> 00:33:06,447
I know this guy who works in TV,
he's gonna help us put 'em on the map.
664
00:33:06,947 --> 00:33:09,158
Big exposure, the biggest.
665
00:33:09,408 --> 00:33:11,202
-Lemon Squidgy?
-Oh, thanks.
666
00:33:11,535 --> 00:33:12,953
I'll save it for later.
667
00:33:13,037 --> 00:33:15,372
Here, thanks for lending me
these clothes.
668
00:33:15,623 --> 00:33:18,167
No problem.
They belong to an ex-client of mine.
669
00:33:18,834 --> 00:33:20,920
-Haul ass!
-Okay, I'll haul ass.
670
00:33:24,548 --> 00:33:27,384
Wait here. Stay out of trouble.
I'll be right back.
671
00:33:27,593 --> 00:33:28,886
Okay, Archi-pigeon-street.
672
00:33:29,053 --> 00:33:31,472
Well, it went on all night, you know?
673
00:33:31,555 --> 00:33:33,682
Kind of like the night
you and I had together.
674
00:33:33,807 --> 00:33:34,850
(LAUGHS)
675
00:33:34,934 --> 00:33:37,102
Hey, Hoff, it's me.
676
00:33:37,561 --> 00:33:39,897
Could I have a minute, darling?
677
00:33:45,110 --> 00:33:46,820
(WHISTLES)
678
00:33:46,904 --> 00:33:48,364
-(DOOR CLOSES)
-What do you want?
679
00:33:48,614 --> 00:33:49,782
You look fantastic!
680
00:33:50,241 --> 00:33:51,408
You just don't age.
681
00:33:51,909 --> 00:33:54,245
Why don't you just cut to the chase,
Archimedes?
682
00:33:54,328 --> 00:33:57,373
Hey, man, it wasn't my fault that
you didn't get to bone Pamela Anderson.
683
00:33:58,249 --> 00:33:59,375
One of my biggest regrets.
684
00:34:01,335 --> 00:34:02,962
You said you'd fix that for me.
685
00:34:03,045 --> 00:34:05,548
I was the one that told you
to do the show about the talking car.
686
00:34:05,631 --> 00:34:06,674
Oh, yeah.
687
00:34:06,799 --> 00:34:08,425
If it wasn't for me, there'd be no Hoff.
688
00:34:08,509 --> 00:34:09,802
Yeah, I know.
689
00:34:09,885 --> 00:34:11,845
But can you do a pal a favour?
690
00:34:13,013 --> 00:34:14,598
What sort of favour?
691
00:34:15,266 --> 00:34:16,308
(MOBILE RINGING)
692
00:34:16,392 --> 00:34:18,310
-Hi.
-Hi, darling. How are you?
693
00:34:18,435 --> 00:34:20,354
Oh, hello. How are you?
694
00:34:20,437 --> 00:34:22,523
(CHERRY PIE BY WARRANT PLAYS)
695
00:34:25,776 --> 00:34:28,862
♪ Well, she's my cherry pie
696
00:34:28,946 --> 00:34:31,824
♪ Put a smile on your face
Ten miles wide
697
00:34:31,907 --> 00:34:34,660
♪ Looks so good
Bring a tear to your eye
698
00:34:34,743 --> 00:34:38,414
♪ Sweet cherry pie, yeah
699
00:34:46,130 --> 00:34:47,965
-♪ Swing it!
-(MOBILE RINGING)
700
00:34:49,174 --> 00:34:50,301
-Kelly Brook?
-Yes?
701
00:34:50,843 --> 00:34:52,303
-You're Kelly Brook?
-Yes, I am.
702
00:34:52,678 --> 00:34:54,513
-I'm a big fan.
-That's nice.
703
00:34:54,597 --> 00:34:57,433
Yeah, all your calendars
and your films and stuff.
704
00:34:57,516 --> 00:34:58,726
Thank you.
705
00:34:58,851 --> 00:35:02,646
Piranha 3D,
Deuce Bigalow: European Gigolo,
706
00:35:02,730 --> 00:35:05,524
when you were on Big Breakfast
and you got sacked,
707
00:35:05,899 --> 00:35:08,485
and when you were on
Britain's Got Talent and you got sacked.
708
00:35:08,569 --> 00:35:11,322
Must have been distraught for you, but...
big fan.
709
00:35:11,405 --> 00:35:13,282
In fact, I had a dream
about you last night.
710
00:35:13,365 --> 00:35:14,450
What did you dream about?
711
00:35:14,533 --> 00:35:18,704
Well, you were saying, "Faster, slower"'
712
00:35:18,787 --> 00:35:22,041
and then you didn't know
if you liked it fast or slow,
713
00:35:22,374 --> 00:35:24,293
so I blabbed all over your bangers.
714
00:35:24,710 --> 00:35:27,379
And then I went down to the hidden area
715
00:35:27,546 --> 00:35:29,715
and give it some sort of like...
Maw! Maw! Maw!...action.
716
00:35:29,798 --> 00:35:31,133
Maw! Maw! Maw!
717
00:35:31,216 --> 00:35:34,011
-Oh, disgusting!
-Maw! Maw! Maw!
718
00:35:34,053 --> 00:35:36,513
And then clean the windows
and feed the horse.
719
00:35:36,555 --> 00:35:38,390
(MAKES TRILLING SOUNDS)
Maw! Maw! Maw!
720
00:35:42,227 --> 00:35:44,521
What are you doing? We got a show to do.
721
00:35:46,065 --> 00:35:48,025
-Let's go.
-All right.
722
00:35:48,400 --> 00:35:50,694
I'm a bit nervous.
I've never been on TV before.
723
00:35:50,736 --> 00:35:52,237
Don't worry about it. You'll be fine.
724
00:35:52,571 --> 00:35:53,906
-Is it live?
-Yes.
725
00:35:54,907 --> 00:35:56,200
Oh, shit.
726
00:35:56,575 --> 00:35:58,744
ANNOUNCER: Live from London,
it's The Hoff Hour Show
727
00:35:58,827 --> 00:36:00,412
with your host, David Hasselhoff
728
00:36:00,537 --> 00:36:02,414
and special guest star, Kelly Brook.
729
00:36:02,539 --> 00:36:04,500
And here's your host, it's the Hoff.
730
00:36:04,583 --> 00:36:07,169
Thank you. Thank you so much.
731
00:36:07,419 --> 00:36:09,588
Welcome back to The Hoff Hour Show.
732
00:36:10,089 --> 00:36:11,840
Thirty minutes of yours truly.
733
00:36:12,341 --> 00:36:16,387
We're gonna continue our chat with
the amazingly beautiful Kelly Brook.
734
00:36:17,096 --> 00:36:21,350
I mean, she is "Hoff" the charts.
She is Hoffalicious.
735
00:36:21,433 --> 00:36:24,728
I am Hoffcrazy for her.
I would do time for her.
736
00:36:24,770 --> 00:36:25,854
(LAUGHS)
737
00:36:26,438 --> 00:36:30,442
But first, we bring you Northern
businessman, Mr Keith Melon.
738
00:36:31,610 --> 00:36:33,612
That's you, man. Good luck.
739
00:36:40,869 --> 00:36:42,204
David, who is this idiot?
740
00:36:44,790 --> 00:36:48,877
It's, um, Keith "Lemon".
Who'd be called "Melon"? Bit of a silly name.
741
00:36:49,294 --> 00:36:51,046
Keith Melon. (CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)
742
00:36:51,130 --> 00:36:52,381
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS WEAKLY)
743
00:36:52,464 --> 00:36:53,966
-(LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
-(ALL LAUGHING)
744
00:36:54,299 --> 00:36:55,300
(LAUGHS LOUDLY)
745
00:36:55,426 --> 00:36:56,635
(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)
746
00:36:56,885 --> 00:36:58,971
(DWINDLING LAUGH)
747
00:37:00,305 --> 00:37:02,266
Keith, I've been told by a little birdie
748
00:37:02,766 --> 00:37:06,478
that you have some sort of
revolutionary communication device
749
00:37:06,603 --> 00:37:08,147
that you want to show us.
750
00:37:09,815 --> 00:37:10,983
Okay.
751
00:37:11,775 --> 00:37:13,110
(EXHALES)
752
00:37:15,988 --> 00:37:18,490
-You can show us that now if you'd like.
-Yes.
753
00:37:18,824 --> 00:37:21,076
It's okay, ladies and gentlemen,
he's just a bit nervous.
754
00:37:21,243 --> 00:37:22,453
-(CHUCKLES)
-(AUDIENCE LAUGH)
755
00:37:22,661 --> 00:37:23,662
Come on, man.
756
00:37:24,079 --> 00:37:25,164
Okay.
757
00:37:25,831 --> 00:37:30,002
Well, on first glance,
it looks like an ordinary phone,
758
00:37:31,170 --> 00:37:34,506
and then, at second glance,
it don't look like a normal phone.
759
00:37:35,424 --> 00:37:39,845
Kushvinder! This bloody bastard Lemony
he has stolen your Tisipiti.
760
00:37:40,304 --> 00:37:43,182
Keith didn't steal it.
I gave it to him. Mmm!
761
00:37:43,515 --> 00:37:45,642
...that's because
of the touchscreen technology.
762
00:37:45,809 --> 00:37:48,437
This guy is selling it rubbish,
just like you.
763
00:37:49,104 --> 00:37:50,856
Bloody Tisipiti!
764
00:37:51,315 --> 00:37:52,357
I tell you, come up with a great idea
765
00:37:52,691 --> 00:37:54,818
and you give it
a stupid fucking name like Tisipiti.
766
00:37:56,195 --> 00:37:57,321
I don't know why I married you.
767
00:37:57,362 --> 00:38:00,115
Oh, no, I do.
Because it was bloody arranged.
768
00:38:01,700 --> 00:38:05,871
But it's the touchscreen technology
that's really the clincher.
769
00:38:06,497 --> 00:38:07,831
Well, I think that's, uh...
770
00:38:07,956 --> 00:38:10,459
David, drop this twat.
Get back to Kelly Brook.
771
00:38:10,959 --> 00:38:12,503
So, Kelly...
772
00:38:12,961 --> 00:38:15,798
I believe you have a new calendar
coming out this year.
773
00:38:16,048 --> 00:38:18,050
-He's blown it.
-Yes, I do, David.
774
00:38:18,133 --> 00:38:19,176
Does it have all 12 months?
775
00:38:20,052 --> 00:38:22,471
Yes, David, it does have all 12 months.
776
00:38:22,679 --> 00:38:26,558
Wow! I hate those calendars
with only seven months.
777
00:38:26,850 --> 00:38:30,229
-I know.
-Ridiculous. You're really, really...
778
00:38:31,355 --> 00:38:33,899
Remarket the phone.
Put your name to it.
779
00:38:34,316 --> 00:38:35,567
Give it a new identity.
780
00:38:35,651 --> 00:38:37,528
DAVID: December issue, are you wearing
781
00:38:37,569 --> 00:38:40,405
one of those skimpy little
sexy Santa outfits?
782
00:38:41,657 --> 00:38:43,534
Actually, David, I'm naked.
783
00:38:44,576 --> 00:38:48,372
And I have two Christmas puddings
covering my...
784
00:38:48,413 --> 00:38:49,748
And it's got a lemon on t'back.
785
00:38:50,207 --> 00:38:51,250
(AUDIENCE GASP)
786
00:38:51,375 --> 00:38:52,751
Shit the bed!
787
00:38:58,549 --> 00:38:59,842
So sexy!
788
00:39:02,219 --> 00:39:05,097
That's the best thing I've ever seen.
I want one.
789
00:39:11,270 --> 00:39:13,564
Wait a second!
What do you call this phone?
790
00:39:14,606 --> 00:39:15,732
Um...
791
00:39:17,109 --> 00:39:20,863
It's called the Lemon Phone.
The Keith Lemon phone.
792
00:39:21,572 --> 00:39:23,574
-(GASPS)
-Of course, Lemon!
793
00:39:24,032 --> 00:39:26,243
Oh, the man's a cunting genius.
794
00:39:26,702 --> 00:39:30,289
Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you the Lemon Phone.
795
00:39:30,414 --> 00:39:31,790
The Keith Lemon phone.
796
00:39:33,125 --> 00:39:35,377
ALL: The Keith Lemon Phone!
The Lemon Phone!
797
00:39:35,460 --> 00:39:37,045
The Keith Lemon Phone! The Lemon Phone!
798
00:39:37,212 --> 00:39:38,297
(LAUGHING)
799
00:39:38,380 --> 00:39:41,133
BOTH: The Lemon Phone!
The Keith Lemon Phone!
800
00:39:41,258 --> 00:39:42,467
The Lemon Phone!
801
00:39:43,468 --> 00:39:45,804
-Incredible! Oh, God!
-Oh!
802
00:39:45,929 --> 00:39:47,055
(BOTH LAUGHING)
803
00:39:47,139 --> 00:39:49,391
(AUDIENCE CONTINUES CHANTING)
804
00:39:51,268 --> 00:39:52,477
Eureka!
805
00:39:54,438 --> 00:39:56,273
-Lemon! Whoo!
-Yeah!
806
00:39:56,315 --> 00:39:58,775
-Yarussky, did you see that?
-Well done!
807
00:39:58,817 --> 00:40:01,069
-They loved it, didn't they?
-We're such a great team.
808
00:40:01,153 --> 00:40:02,738
-Thanks, man.
-You're my favourite client.
809
00:40:02,821 --> 00:40:04,156
You are amazing!
810
00:40:04,239 --> 00:40:05,282
Now, all we need to do
is go back to Leeds...
811
00:40:05,324 --> 00:40:06,617
-Call me.
-(EXCLAIMS)
812
00:40:07,159 --> 00:40:09,578
-Anytime.
-ARCHIMEDES: Son of a... Keith?
813
00:40:09,953 --> 00:40:11,079
(MOBILE RINGING)
814
00:40:11,163 --> 00:40:13,332
-ARCHIMEDES: Hey, Keith?
-Hello? Kelly Brook speaking.
815
00:40:13,415 --> 00:40:14,791
KEITH: Is now a good time?
816
00:40:16,668 --> 00:40:18,003
ARCHIMEDES: Keith!
817
00:40:22,466 --> 00:40:23,592
FEMALE REPORTER: It's amazing.
818
00:40:23,675 --> 00:40:27,137
The new Lemon Phone
has literally conquered the world.
819
00:40:27,512 --> 00:40:32,351
Small-time Northern English businessman
Keith Lemon has gone from rags to riches
820
00:40:32,434 --> 00:40:35,938
in an overnight success
to top all overnight successes.
821
00:40:36,188 --> 00:40:39,316
But what is it that makes the phone
so desirable?
822
00:40:40,609 --> 00:40:41,860
It's got a lemon on t'back.
823
00:40:42,361 --> 00:40:44,321
And that makes it good because...
824
00:40:44,947 --> 00:40:45,989
I don't know.
825
00:40:47,157 --> 00:40:50,535
And there you have it,
the answer is they just don't know.
826
00:40:50,661 --> 00:40:51,870
-Lemon on t'back.
-Lemon on t'back.
827
00:40:51,995 --> 00:40:54,289
From New York to India and China
to Barnsley,
828
00:40:54,373 --> 00:40:56,541
the Lemon Phone is a global sensation.
829
00:40:57,209 --> 00:40:59,836
-Lemon on t'back. Lemon on t'back.
-The lemon has truly landed.
830
00:41:09,179 --> 00:41:10,722
And there you have it.
831
00:41:10,806 --> 00:41:13,558
The sales of the Lemon Phone,
the Keith Lemon phone,
832
00:41:13,642 --> 00:41:15,852
have turned you
into an overnight billionaire.
833
00:41:16,353 --> 00:41:18,230
Rich beyond your wildest dreams.
834
00:41:19,731 --> 00:41:21,608
Excuse me while I finish the paperwork.
835
00:41:22,025 --> 00:41:24,361
Amazing!
This is the best fix I've ever done!
836
00:41:25,070 --> 00:41:27,322
I can't believe it.
I'm literally without belief.
837
00:41:28,281 --> 00:41:31,201
So, now, alls we have to do
is pay for the poles,
838
00:41:31,284 --> 00:41:33,787
get you back to Leeds
to father your unborn lovechild,
839
00:41:34,079 --> 00:41:35,914
and live happily ever after with Rosie.
840
00:41:36,540 --> 00:41:38,583
I love it when a fix comes together.
841
00:41:40,377 --> 00:41:41,545
Poles?
842
00:41:41,628 --> 00:41:44,715
Unborn lovechild? Rosie? Leeds?
843
00:41:45,340 --> 00:41:47,259
What's Leeds? Like computer leads?
What are you talking about?
844
00:41:47,551 --> 00:41:48,969
It's where you're from, dumb-ass.
845
00:41:49,761 --> 00:41:55,058
Archiminges, sometimes the right thing
isn't always the black and white thing.
846
00:41:57,144 --> 00:41:58,520
But what about the... (MUFFLED)
847
00:41:58,603 --> 00:42:00,564
So, what are you
going to do with it all, Mr Lemon?
848
00:42:01,273 --> 00:42:04,776
Well, Spectacle Man, the question
ain't what am I going to do with it all,
849
00:42:05,068 --> 00:42:08,822
the question is what aren't
I not gonna do with it all. (LAUGHS)
850
00:42:10,407 --> 00:42:11,783
Isn't that great?
851
00:42:11,867 --> 00:42:13,702
(LAUGHS MANIACALLY)
852
00:42:15,704 --> 00:42:18,665
Here. Go buy yourself some specs.
853
00:42:20,542 --> 00:42:25,672
I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich! I'm rich!
854
00:42:26,089 --> 00:42:27,299
Ooosh!
855
00:42:27,382 --> 00:42:29,092
(PENCIL FULL OF LEAD
BY PAOLO NUTINI PLAYS)
856
00:42:38,101 --> 00:42:41,313
♪ Oh, I've got a sheet for my bed
and a pillow for my head
857
00:42:41,396 --> 00:42:43,815
♪ I got a pencil full of lead
and some water for my throat
858
00:42:43,899 --> 00:42:45,817
♪ I've got buttons for my coat
and sails on my boat
859
00:42:45,901 --> 00:42:48,236
♪ So much more than I needed before
860
00:42:48,320 --> 00:42:51,239
♪ I got money in the meter
and a two bar heater... ♪
861
00:42:51,323 --> 00:42:52,532
Bigger.
862
00:42:53,366 --> 00:42:55,160
♪ I got legs on my chairs
and a head full of hair
863
00:42:55,243 --> 00:42:57,245
♪ Pot and a pan
And some shoes on my feet
864
00:42:57,329 --> 00:42:59,748
♪ I got a shelf full of books
and most of my teeth
865
00:42:59,831 --> 00:43:02,125
♪ A few pairs of socks and a door with a lock
866
00:43:02,209 --> 00:43:04,294
♪ Food in my belly
and a licence for my telly
867
00:43:04,377 --> 00:43:06,838
♪ And nothin's gonna bring me down
868
00:43:11,426 --> 00:43:12,469
Hi.
869
00:43:14,304 --> 00:43:15,514
Now we're talking.
870
00:43:18,058 --> 00:43:19,976
♪ Nothin's gonna bring me down
871
00:43:20,060 --> 00:43:22,270
♪ I got a nice guitar and tyres on my car
872
00:43:22,354 --> 00:43:23,897
♪ I got most of the means... ♪
873
00:43:23,980 --> 00:43:25,357
(MOANING)
874
00:43:25,440 --> 00:43:29,194
♪ ...so I'm in with a shout
I got a fair bit of chat but, better than that,
875
00:43:29,277 --> 00:43:31,196
♪ Food in my belly
and a licence for my telly
876
00:43:31,279 --> 00:43:33,031
♪ And nothin's gonna bring me down
877
00:43:33,115 --> 00:43:35,951
How about a-blowin' that harp, man?
878
00:43:36,493 --> 00:43:38,453
Oh, they're amazing. Oh!
879
00:43:38,703 --> 00:43:39,788
Oh...
880
00:43:39,955 --> 00:43:42,165
(STAMMERS) I'll call you back.
881
00:43:45,127 --> 00:43:47,254
♪ Nothin's gonna bring me down
882
00:43:47,337 --> 00:43:48,547
♪ But best of all
♪ Best of all
883
00:43:48,630 --> 00:43:51,675
♪ I've got my baby
884
00:43:51,758 --> 00:43:53,468
♪ Oh, best of all
♪ Best of all
885
00:43:53,552 --> 00:43:56,263
♪ I've got my baby
886
00:43:56,346 --> 00:43:58,557
♪ She's mighty fine and says she's all mine
887
00:43:58,640 --> 00:44:01,476
♪ And nothin's gonna bring me down
No!
888
00:44:02,227 --> 00:44:03,270
Ah!
889
00:44:03,395 --> 00:44:04,437
(LAUGHS)
890
00:44:06,690 --> 00:44:07,858
(LAUGHING)
891
00:44:13,655 --> 00:44:15,949
♪ Oh, best of all
♪ Best of all
892
00:44:16,032 --> 00:44:18,910
♪ I've got my baby
893
00:44:18,994 --> 00:44:20,662
♪ Oh, best of all
♪ Best of all
894
00:44:20,745 --> 00:44:23,373
♪ I've got my baby
895
00:44:23,456 --> 00:44:25,834
♪ She's mighty fine and says she's all mine
896
00:44:25,917 --> 00:44:28,003
♪ And nothin's gonna bring me down
897
00:44:28,086 --> 00:44:30,297
♪ She's mighty fine and says she's all mine
898
00:44:30,380 --> 00:44:32,632
♪ And nothin's gonna bring me down
899
00:44:32,716 --> 00:44:34,801
♪ She's mighty fine and says she's all mine
900
00:44:34,885 --> 00:44:38,346
♪ And nothin's gonna bring me... ♪
901
00:44:38,430 --> 00:44:41,516
Can I have the bangers and gash...
I mean, mash, please?
902
00:44:43,727 --> 00:44:48,064
And the award for Business Man
of the Year goes to Keith Lemon.
903
00:44:48,148 --> 00:44:49,566
(CROWD CHEERING WILDLY)
904
00:44:50,400 --> 00:44:51,610
Thanks.
905
00:44:53,111 --> 00:44:56,072
(DRUNKENLY) Wow! I can't believe it.
I can't believe it.
906
00:44:56,156 --> 00:44:59,910
I'd just like to say
thanks to me for all the hard work.
907
00:45:01,119 --> 00:45:02,537
EVIL STEVE: What the hell
908
00:45:02,829 --> 00:45:07,500
is Keith Lemon doing on the telly,
acting all Rockefeller
909
00:45:07,751 --> 00:45:09,836
when he hasn't even paid me
for my poles?
910
00:45:09,920 --> 00:45:15,133
It's also to me for all I've achieved
during this short period of time.
911
00:45:15,592 --> 00:45:17,427
And thanks to Kelly Brook.
912
00:45:17,928 --> 00:45:23,391
I can't wait to have full-on
penetratitive sex with you
913
00:45:23,516 --> 00:45:27,479
in your minge hole
to constipate our relationship.
914
00:45:27,938 --> 00:45:30,065
So, Kelly, come here.
915
00:45:31,274 --> 00:45:36,738
More importantly, how has a ginger tit
like him pulled Kelly Brook?
916
00:45:37,113 --> 00:45:38,907
He's not ginger, he's strawberry blond.
917
00:45:41,660 --> 00:45:43,870
Strawberry blond, my arse!
918
00:45:46,498 --> 00:45:47,749
He's ginger!
919
00:45:48,083 --> 00:45:51,920
And it looks like Kelly Brook
likes a bit of ginger minge, too.
920
00:45:52,212 --> 00:45:54,589
I thought you was his canny bird.
921
00:45:54,839 --> 00:45:56,549
-I am.
-Well, I'll tell you what,
922
00:45:57,175 --> 00:45:58,927
I've got a big gaff here.
923
00:45:59,177 --> 00:46:02,597
It could do with a woman's touch.
Or should I say,
924
00:46:03,306 --> 00:46:05,558
I could do with a woman's touch.
925
00:46:07,227 --> 00:46:09,145
That's funny 'cause I thought
you and Dennis was an item.
926
00:46:09,854 --> 00:46:11,147
What have you been telling her?
927
00:46:11,815 --> 00:46:13,525
That was just a bit of fun.
928
00:46:13,608 --> 00:46:16,152
We were at polytechnic.
We were experimenting.
929
00:46:16,236 --> 00:46:17,570
Do you and your boyfriend not think
930
00:46:17,654 --> 00:46:20,615
that my boyfriend is not gonna come back
and kick the shit out of you?
931
00:46:20,699 --> 00:46:22,742
What? Does he know jujitsu?
932
00:46:23,159 --> 00:46:26,788
Well, it won't work on us.
'Cause we're Church of England.
933
00:46:27,914 --> 00:46:30,625
-Will we kill her now, boss?
-No, we won't kill her now.
934
00:46:30,709 --> 00:46:32,002
We'll miss I'm a Celebrity.
935
00:46:32,085 --> 00:46:34,921
You get the vat turned on,
get it all hot and bubbly, like.
936
00:46:36,006 --> 00:46:37,048
We'll watch a bit of telly,
937
00:46:37,132 --> 00:46:38,842
then we'll decide what to do.
938
00:46:41,177 --> 00:46:44,472
Scream! I said scream!
939
00:46:45,265 --> 00:46:47,726
I wanna hear you scream!
940
00:46:47,809 --> 00:46:48,893
In your dreams!
941
00:46:48,977 --> 00:46:52,272
-Dennis, shall we get some ice cream?
-Yeah, what's your favourite?
942
00:46:52,355 --> 00:46:53,898
Rum and raisin.
943
00:46:53,982 --> 00:46:56,651
I'll let you smear it all over me
knackers and let you lick it off.
944
00:46:57,110 --> 00:46:58,403
I'm jokin'!
945
00:46:58,695 --> 00:47:01,364
You've got to put those
polytechnic days behind you, man.
946
00:47:01,489 --> 00:47:03,783
Honestly! You tit!
947
00:47:04,576 --> 00:47:06,244
(BUBBLING)
948
00:47:08,955 --> 00:47:13,793
One billion and a half and one,
one billion and a half and two,
949
00:47:14,502 --> 00:47:18,423
one billion and a half and three.
Can you go faster with that fan?
950
00:47:19,799 --> 00:47:21,593
Don't you think you
should check on Rosie
951
00:47:21,676 --> 00:47:22,761
rather than counting your money?
952
00:47:22,844 --> 00:47:25,221
You seem to have forgotten
about all your problems back in Leeds.
953
00:47:26,014 --> 00:47:29,267
This is nothing but bad karma, Keith.
Bad, bad karma.
954
00:47:29,684 --> 00:47:34,314
Archi-cock-blocker, I am calmer.
I'm as calm as a cucumber, unlike you.
955
00:47:34,397 --> 00:47:37,817
All you've done is complain
since I've been an overnight success.
956
00:47:37,901 --> 00:47:40,570
Which is perplexing, really,
as it were you who fixed it all up.
957
00:47:40,653 --> 00:47:43,823
Don't remind me.
You know, I made a big mistake, Keith.
958
00:47:43,907 --> 00:47:45,325
The only mistake you made, brother,
959
00:47:45,408 --> 00:47:47,827
is not getting yourself a costume
for tonight's toga party.
960
00:47:47,911 --> 00:47:48,953
Toga party?
961
00:47:49,037 --> 00:47:52,832
And because I'm a nice and kind man,
and remembered...
962
00:47:52,916 --> 00:47:54,626
-Here. Put that on.
-(GRUNTING)
963
00:47:55,585 --> 00:47:57,587
-This is a napkin.
-It'll be big enough for you.
964
00:47:57,670 --> 00:47:59,047
-But...
-Now excuse me.
965
00:47:59,130 --> 00:48:00,382
I've got a phone call to make.
966
00:48:03,802 --> 00:48:07,389
Hello, is that Yorkshire Bank?
It's Keith. How much money have I got?
967
00:48:07,639 --> 00:48:10,308
Don't you see
that all this is too good to be true?
968
00:48:10,392 --> 00:48:16,356
Archidoodles, if things appear too good
to be true, then they probably are true.
969
00:48:16,898 --> 00:48:20,485
That is the saying.
Now excuse me, I'm on t'phone.
970
00:48:21,319 --> 00:48:22,612
Can you confirm that for me, please?
971
00:48:22,695 --> 00:48:25,240
MAN: You are currently
one billion, five hundred million
972
00:48:25,323 --> 00:48:27,117
-and eight pounds in credit.
-(LAUGHING HYSTERICALLY)
973
00:48:29,828 --> 00:48:32,080
Kelly Brook. I've just been on t'phone
to Yorkshire Bank.
974
00:48:32,163 --> 00:48:34,749
I've got one billion and a half
and eight pounds.
975
00:48:34,833 --> 00:48:37,752
I thought I had one billion and a half
and three pounds.
976
00:48:37,836 --> 00:48:41,589
I've just made five pounds, sat in t'hot tub.
Ooosh!
977
00:48:41,965 --> 00:48:46,094
Hey, man. You should ditch this broad.
She's nothing but trouble, if you ask me.
978
00:48:46,177 --> 00:48:48,763
Ditch Kelly Brook?
Have you been glue sniffing?
979
00:48:48,847 --> 00:48:52,058
-Wow! That's so much money.
-Yeah, I know.
980
00:48:53,101 --> 00:48:55,687
Here. You can have some.
981
00:48:56,020 --> 00:49:00,066
Go buy yourself a brassiere
or some tampons. Girl things.
982
00:49:02,068 --> 00:49:05,905
Keith, um... Can I have a word with you?
983
00:49:08,658 --> 00:49:09,701
(SENSUAL MUSIC PLAYING)
984
00:49:11,870 --> 00:49:12,912
(TIGER GROWLING)
985
00:49:13,037 --> 00:49:16,166
Archi... (BABBLES)
Can we have some privacy, please?
986
00:49:17,792 --> 00:49:18,960
Go on, piss off.
987
00:49:19,043 --> 00:49:21,379
Keith, I know you've been waiting
for this moment.
988
00:49:21,880 --> 00:49:24,757
So have I. I want you
to constipate this relationship.
989
00:49:25,842 --> 00:49:29,053
Well, come and take me.
Just take me now. Take all of me.
990
00:49:29,220 --> 00:49:32,557
I'm sick of this dry-humping.
I wanna feel you.
991
00:49:32,724 --> 00:49:34,017
I want you to touch me in places
992
00:49:34,100 --> 00:49:35,894
-I've never been touched before.
-(ARCHIMEDES MUMBLING)
993
00:49:36,019 --> 00:49:38,563
I want you to stick
your fingers in my mouth.
994
00:49:38,730 --> 00:49:40,398
Like Michael Douglas in Basic Instinct.
995
00:49:40,482 --> 00:49:42,859
-Just stick them in it really hard.
-Mmm. Scumbag.
996
00:49:42,984 --> 00:49:45,778
Oh, Keith, I can just
feel you right now.
997
00:49:45,862 --> 00:49:48,948
Just come and smash my back doors in.
Take me, Keith!
998
00:49:49,032 --> 00:49:50,575
-Take me! (SCREAMING)
-I'm coming!
999
00:49:50,783 --> 00:49:52,660
(FREAK ME, BABY BY ANOTHER LEVEL
PLAYING)
1000
00:49:52,744 --> 00:49:55,997
♪ I wanna get freaky with you
1001
00:49:57,123 --> 00:49:59,667
♪ Baby, don't you understand?
1002
00:50:00,460 --> 00:50:02,837
♪ I wanna be your nasty man
1003
00:50:03,922 --> 00:50:06,382
♪ I wanna make your body scream
1004
00:50:07,467 --> 00:50:09,677
♪ Then you will know just what I mean
1005
00:50:10,470 --> 00:50:11,888
(RATTLING)
1006
00:50:11,971 --> 00:50:13,598
♪ 24-carat gold
1007
00:50:14,516 --> 00:50:16,851
♪ Don't want the night to grow cold
1008
00:50:17,936 --> 00:50:20,063
♪ I love the taste of whipped cream
1009
00:50:21,731 --> 00:50:23,608
♪ Spread it on top of me
1010
00:50:23,691 --> 00:50:24,817
(CHOKING)
1011
00:50:24,901 --> 00:50:27,320
♪ You know I can't resist you, girl
1012
00:50:28,571 --> 00:50:30,990
♪ I'll fly you all around the world
1013
00:50:32,033 --> 00:50:34,077
♪ I wanna see your body drip
1014
00:50:35,620 --> 00:50:38,373
-♪ Come on, let me take a sip... ♪
-(GASPING) Minge.
1015
00:50:39,332 --> 00:50:41,292
-♪ To come, what you cherish most... ♪
-Aaah!
1016
00:50:41,376 --> 00:50:44,546
♪ Lick you up and down and make
your bounty body wanna scream
1017
00:50:44,629 --> 00:50:47,966
♪ Every time I think about your love
I want to lick you down
1018
00:50:48,049 --> 00:50:50,051
♪ Let me freak you all night long
and, girl, then you will... ♪
1019
00:50:50,134 --> 00:50:51,219
(THUDDING)
1020
00:50:51,469 --> 00:50:53,221
Oh, yes.
1021
00:50:55,515 --> 00:51:00,270
♪ Lick you up and down and make
your bounty body wanna scream... ♪
1022
00:51:00,353 --> 00:51:02,272
(GASPS)
1023
00:51:02,355 --> 00:51:08,194
♪ 'Cause tonight, baby,
I wanna get freaky with you
1024
00:51:08,278 --> 00:51:12,782
♪ Let me lick you up and down
till you say stop ♪
1025
00:51:12,865 --> 00:51:13,950
(EXCLAIMING IN SHOCK)
1026
00:51:15,368 --> 00:51:20,415
♪ Let me play with your body, baby,
make you real hot... ♪
1027
00:51:22,959 --> 00:51:25,003
(PANTING)
1028
00:51:29,591 --> 00:51:31,009
(MOANING)
1029
00:51:34,679 --> 00:51:38,182
Well, um... I had a good time.
1030
00:51:38,391 --> 00:51:42,020
I hope you did.
I promise you I wasn't faking anything.
1031
00:51:43,396 --> 00:51:46,524
It was nice.
I'll go get ready for the party.
1032
00:51:48,026 --> 00:51:50,069
-Oh!
-Excuse me.
1033
00:51:54,073 --> 00:51:58,494
Excuse me. Excuse me. Excuse me. Sorry.
Excuse me. Sorry.
1034
00:52:02,915 --> 00:52:04,375
Sorry. Excuse me.
1035
00:52:06,294 --> 00:52:09,464
Hello, my name is Douglas.
I'm going to London.
1036
00:52:09,547 --> 00:52:11,549
-Where are you going?
-London.
1037
00:52:15,720 --> 00:52:18,931
Hello, my name is Douglas.
I'm going to London.
1038
00:52:19,265 --> 00:52:21,726
-Where are you going?
-London.
1039
00:52:27,148 --> 00:52:31,527
-Hello, my name is Douglas...
-We're all going to fucking London!
1040
00:52:34,447 --> 00:52:37,659
-(BELL DINGING)
-ANNOUNCER: Today's in-coach movie
1041
00:52:37,742 --> 00:52:40,578
is the Sylvester Stallone classic,
wait for it...
1042
00:52:41,287 --> 00:52:45,249
-Spy Kids 3D in 2D.
-(GROANING) His worst one.
1043
00:52:50,129 --> 00:52:54,509
Um... I'm sorry about what just happened
when I blabbed up all over the place.
1044
00:52:54,592 --> 00:52:57,053
That's never happened
to me before ever in me life.
1045
00:52:57,136 --> 00:53:01,557
Anyway, as a token of my apology,
I've got you a present.
1046
00:53:02,266 --> 00:53:06,521
I'd like to present you
with these two piranhas on plinths.
1047
00:53:09,023 --> 00:53:10,775
If you don't like them,
you can take the plinths off
1048
00:53:10,900 --> 00:53:12,527
and you can wear them as earrings.
1049
00:53:12,610 --> 00:53:15,238
Just bring 'em up to your ears.
Let's see what they look like.
1050
00:53:15,321 --> 00:53:17,115
Oh, yes. They look beautiful.
1051
00:53:17,490 --> 00:53:19,742
It really brings the colour
out of your breasts... Your eyes.
1052
00:53:19,867 --> 00:53:24,122
-Lovely. Do you like 'em?
-Yeah, they're, um... unique.
1053
00:53:24,956 --> 00:53:28,209
Yeah, they're unique, aren't they?
Piranha fish earrings.
1054
00:53:28,292 --> 00:53:30,211
Ever so unique. I like that word.
1055
00:53:30,294 --> 00:53:31,963
So that means it's a good thing,
doesn't it?
1056
00:53:32,046 --> 00:53:33,131
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
1057
00:53:33,214 --> 00:53:35,883
I love that film, Piranha 3D, me.
I think it's amazing.
1058
00:53:36,592 --> 00:53:39,929
Yeah, all the blood and gore and stuff.
That's my kind of film.
1059
00:53:40,888 --> 00:53:43,558
You seen Rambo? You've not seen Rambo?
1060
00:53:43,641 --> 00:53:45,685
I'll tell you what happens in Rambo
if you've not seen Rambo.
1061
00:53:45,768 --> 00:53:47,770
What happens in Rambo
is he tries to get into a small town.
1062
00:53:47,895 --> 00:53:48,938
They won't let him into the small town.
1063
00:53:49,021 --> 00:53:50,106
So he goes into the small town anyway.
1064
00:53:50,189 --> 00:53:51,607
So they arrest him
and take him down to the station,
1065
00:53:51,691 --> 00:53:52,775
do his fingerprints, but you can see
1066
00:53:52,900 --> 00:53:53,985
he don't want to do his fingerprints.
1067
00:53:54,068 --> 00:53:55,611
Then they put him in the shower
and they hose him down,
1068
00:53:55,695 --> 00:53:56,738
which I thought was a bit homoerotic.
1069
00:53:56,821 --> 00:53:58,614
And then he punches
that ginger guy from CSI: Miami.
1070
00:53:58,698 --> 00:54:00,658
Then he breaks out. Then there's
a passerby on the motorbike.
1071
00:54:00,742 --> 00:54:01,909
He takes his motorbike from him.
1072
00:54:01,993 --> 00:54:03,745
And then he goes into the forest
and he climbs up a tree.
1073
00:54:03,828 --> 00:54:05,580
Then he falls out of the tree.
He cuts all his arm up.
1074
00:54:05,663 --> 00:54:06,706
But, lucky for him,
he's got a Rambo knife.
1075
00:54:06,789 --> 00:54:07,832
It's got loads of trinkets in it.
1076
00:54:07,915 --> 00:54:08,958
It's got needle and thread in there.
1077
00:54:09,041 --> 00:54:10,084
So he sews up his arm like that
1078
00:54:10,168 --> 00:54:12,170
and he goes further into the forest
being chased by the locals.
1079
00:54:12,253 --> 00:54:13,796
A bit like Frankenstein.
They've got torches and stuff.
1080
00:54:13,921 --> 00:54:14,964
Then he goes into a tunnel.
1081
00:54:15,047 --> 00:54:16,799
And we see loads of flashbacks
of when he was in Vietnam.
1082
00:54:16,924 --> 00:54:17,967
So we know he's not in trouble.
1083
00:54:18,050 --> 00:54:19,385
And then he gets
loads of rats on his back.
1084
00:54:19,469 --> 00:54:21,554
And he burns the rats off his back.
Then they blow up the tunnel.
1085
00:54:21,637 --> 00:54:23,389
Then he goes out of the tunnel.
Then he goes into the town
1086
00:54:23,473 --> 00:54:24,640
that he tried to get into before.
1087
00:54:24,724 --> 00:54:26,267
And he meets his old sergeant
and then he says...
1088
00:54:26,350 --> 00:54:28,227
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
1089
00:54:30,480 --> 00:54:32,732
You can't tell what he's saying
but you can tell that he says,
1090
00:54:32,815 --> 00:54:35,234
"They drew first blood. Not me."
1091
00:54:35,818 --> 00:54:38,905
Hence the title of the film,
First Blood.
1092
00:54:39,071 --> 00:54:41,032
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
1093
00:54:43,534 --> 00:54:46,245
Hey, I've heard that the sequel
to Marley and Me is coming out as well.
1094
00:54:46,329 --> 00:54:48,372
Marley and Me 2.
And that's gonna be in 3D.
1095
00:54:48,456 --> 00:54:50,082
If it is in 3D,
that's gonna be summat.
1096
00:54:50,166 --> 00:54:51,209
I'll buy a ticket for that, I will.
1097
00:54:53,252 --> 00:54:56,506
Keith Lemon, award winning businessman
and overnight billionaire,
1098
00:54:56,589 --> 00:54:59,759
is hosting a toga party
to top all toga parties.
1099
00:54:59,842 --> 00:55:02,804
Promising to be a night
packed full of celebrities.
1100
00:55:02,929 --> 00:55:05,223
It's certainly...
Ohhh! The Rizzle Kicks are here.
1101
00:55:05,306 --> 00:55:06,641
Looking forward to the party, guys?
1102
00:55:06,724 --> 00:55:08,935
Yeah, I've always wanted
to fuck a goddess.
1103
00:55:09,018 --> 00:55:10,186
I'm a black Zeus.
1104
00:55:10,269 --> 00:55:12,855
Um... I've just got to apologise
for the language there
1105
00:55:12,980 --> 00:55:15,691
and it's certainly a party
nobody's going to want to miss.
1106
00:55:15,775 --> 00:55:18,653
-MAN: Rizzle Kicks, over here.
-I can't believe they fucking swore.
1107
00:55:18,861 --> 00:55:21,948
-WOMAN: Keith Lemon party, this way.
-(CARS HONKING)
1108
00:55:22,949 --> 00:55:24,575
Lemon Towers.
1109
00:55:28,412 --> 00:55:30,581
(DANCE MUSIC PLAYING LOUDLY)
1110
00:55:51,269 --> 00:55:53,771
-(WHOOPING)
-Keith, what about Rosie?
1111
00:56:00,361 --> 00:56:04,991
Ladies, what we got here is a boiled egg
surrounded by Italian sausage meat
1112
00:56:05,074 --> 00:56:09,203
and golden breadcrumb.
In Italy, we call it the Scotch egg.
1113
00:56:09,453 --> 00:56:12,874
It's like putting a ship in a bottle.
Touch my balls, touch my balls.
1114
00:56:14,000 --> 00:56:15,877
No, I meant really touch my balls.
1115
00:56:16,627 --> 00:56:18,462
(WOMEN CHEERING)
1116
00:56:20,840 --> 00:56:23,009
Man, messed up again.
1117
00:56:26,137 --> 00:56:27,763
(CHUCKLING)
1118
00:56:28,848 --> 00:56:31,142
(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING LOUDLY)
1119
00:56:32,435 --> 00:56:35,354
Oh! Is this alcoholic?
Fucking-A! (GIGGLING)
1120
00:56:37,106 --> 00:56:38,190
-Hey.
-Hmm?
1121
00:56:38,274 --> 00:56:41,152
You told me this was
an Egyptian party, you twat.
1122
00:56:42,278 --> 00:56:43,362
(CHEERING)
1123
00:56:44,697 --> 00:56:46,616
So, Tinchy, how do you know Keith then?
1124
00:56:46,699 --> 00:56:49,035
-He's my cousin, innit?
-Oh.
1125
00:56:52,705 --> 00:56:55,041
Come on, come on, come on...
1126
00:56:55,124 --> 00:56:57,126
-Yes! Come on!
-(ALL CHEERING)
1127
00:56:57,209 --> 00:56:59,545
-You beauty!
-(TRUMPET FANFARE PLAYING)
1128
00:57:04,050 --> 00:57:05,176
(PEOPLE APPLAUDING)
1129
00:57:08,596 --> 00:57:11,265
-You all having a good time?
-(ALL CHEERING)
1130
00:57:12,350 --> 00:57:16,354
Well, it's about to get even gooderer.
It's very emotional, this, for me.
1131
00:57:16,979 --> 00:57:20,441
Some of you may or may not know
that I come from a single-parent family.
1132
00:57:20,524 --> 00:57:24,195
There was just me and me mam
and me brother, who was homosexual.
1133
00:57:24,278 --> 00:57:26,697
That's why I'm a little bit effeminate.
1134
00:57:27,990 --> 00:57:30,117
It's all lager under the bridge.
1135
00:57:30,284 --> 00:57:31,452
Kelly, can you get off t'phone, please?
1136
00:57:31,535 --> 00:57:33,245
-I'm a bit emotional.
-Oh.
1137
00:57:33,955 --> 00:57:37,124
Please welcome onstage...
(MIMICKING DARTH VADER) My father!
1138
00:57:37,208 --> 00:57:40,378
-It's none other than Billy Ocean!
-(ALL CHEERING)
1139
00:57:40,920 --> 00:57:42,672
WOMAN: We love you, Billy!
1140
00:57:44,215 --> 00:57:46,968
If Billy Ocean's his father,
then I'm his fucking mother.
1141
00:57:47,093 --> 00:57:49,804
It's me dad. You can see, can't you?
1142
00:57:52,264 --> 00:57:53,516
(ECHOING) Rewind selector.
1143
00:57:54,266 --> 00:57:56,310
(WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH,
THE TOUGH GET GOING PLAYING)
1144
00:58:02,858 --> 00:58:06,529
♪ Yeah! Oh, honey
1145
00:58:09,782 --> 00:58:13,119
♪ I got something to tell you
1146
00:58:13,744 --> 00:58:15,913
♪ I got something to say
1147
00:58:17,415 --> 00:58:20,751
♪ I'm gonna put this dream in motion
1148
00:58:21,293 --> 00:58:23,963
♪ Never let nothing stand in my way ♪
1149
00:58:24,296 --> 00:58:26,799
-(ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
-Hold on. Wait for me. Wait for me.
1150
00:58:27,008 --> 00:58:29,301
-He's huge, so huge.
-(WOMAN MURMURING)
1151
00:58:29,760 --> 00:58:32,179
-No, I didn't know what...
-DOUGIE: You'll be all right, Dougie.
1152
00:58:32,263 --> 00:58:33,973
Just don't make eye contact with a gay.
1153
00:58:35,141 --> 00:58:37,852
Oh, he's gay. Definitely gay.
1154
00:58:38,644 --> 00:58:41,313
At least he's no terrorist. Fuck off!
1155
00:58:41,772 --> 00:58:43,274
-Craig?
-Who's that?
1156
00:58:43,357 --> 00:58:45,443
It is Avid. Do you know Billy Ocean?
1157
00:58:45,526 --> 00:58:48,029
Yeah, he was a huge,
big pop star in the '80s.
1158
00:58:48,154 --> 00:58:51,407
He looks like black Santa Claus.
I trust him.
1159
00:58:51,824 --> 00:58:53,492
-I can't hear you.
-I can't hear you.
1160
00:58:53,576 --> 00:58:56,662
-I've got a bad reception.
-I have a bad reception.
1161
00:58:56,746 --> 00:58:58,164
I lost him. I'm in the shit.
1162
00:58:58,247 --> 00:59:00,750
♪ When the going gets tough
♪ The tough get going
1163
00:59:00,833 --> 00:59:02,543
♪ When the going gets rough
1164
00:59:08,215 --> 00:59:11,886
♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa
1165
00:59:13,929 --> 00:59:15,389
♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪
1166
00:59:17,433 --> 00:59:18,517
Keith?
1167
00:59:20,853 --> 00:59:22,980
Keith! It's me!
1168
00:59:25,733 --> 00:59:26,776
Keith!
1169
00:59:30,654 --> 00:59:34,241
♪ Darlin', I'll climb any mountain
1170
00:59:34,658 --> 00:59:37,787
♪ Darlin', I'll do anything
1171
00:59:40,164 --> 00:59:42,249
♪ Ooh, can I touch you?
♪ Ooh, can I touch you?
1172
00:59:42,458 --> 00:59:44,794
♪ And do the things that lovers do? ♪
1173
00:59:45,336 --> 00:59:48,672
-Hey.
-That was so good. Oh, God!
1174
00:59:49,090 --> 00:59:50,674
(GROANING)
1175
00:59:51,008 --> 00:59:53,636
Do you know what,
can you get me a drink, babes?
1176
00:59:53,677 --> 00:59:55,763
-Anything for you.
-Oh, thanks.
1177
00:59:56,347 --> 00:59:57,473
Ugh!
1178
01:00:06,690 --> 01:00:09,819
So are things, like, really serious
between you and Keith Lemon, then?
1179
01:00:10,027 --> 01:00:14,448
(SCOFFING) What do you think?
It's good PR being with him.
1180
01:00:14,865 --> 01:00:17,618
I'm gonna marry him,
divorce him, then take half...
1181
01:00:17,785 --> 01:00:21,455
Oh, no, sorry. All of his money.
Then just move on to the next one.
1182
01:00:24,375 --> 01:00:25,793
-What a bitch!
-I know.
1183
01:00:25,876 --> 01:00:28,712
It is so obvious what she's up to.
And he is a moron.
1184
01:00:29,380 --> 01:00:31,048
-I think he's hot.
-What?
1185
01:00:31,549 --> 01:00:34,885
I kind of wanna do
a special lying down dance with him
1186
01:00:35,010 --> 01:00:39,181
and then run my fingers
through his soft, strawberry blond hair.
1187
01:00:40,015 --> 01:00:42,226
Right. Um... I am...
1188
01:00:42,351 --> 01:00:45,062
-I'm just gonna go and powder my boobs.
-(SIGHING)
1189
01:00:47,022 --> 01:00:49,400
-Simon Pegg?
-No, Ronan Keating.
1190
01:00:49,859 --> 01:00:52,903
-Oh, from, um, Take That?
-No, you're thinking of Gary Barlow.
1191
01:00:53,028 --> 01:00:55,030
No, I was thinking Simon Pegg.
1192
01:00:55,906 --> 01:00:58,075
-Do you like me phone?
-Yeah, it's great. Love it.
1193
01:00:58,200 --> 01:00:59,410
Thanks.
1194
01:01:00,744 --> 01:01:03,998
-Hey, I'm shagging Kelly Brook.
-Fair enough.
1195
01:01:04,081 --> 01:01:07,751
Bit rough in t'morning,
but when she puts her make-up on... Fuck!
1196
01:01:08,419 --> 01:01:09,587
Strange lad. Come on!
1197
01:01:09,712 --> 01:01:12,590
♪ ...gets tough
Go and get rough ♪
1198
01:01:12,715 --> 01:01:14,425
(ALL CHEERING)
1199
01:01:17,928 --> 01:01:19,096
Thank you.
1200
01:01:21,098 --> 01:01:23,851
-Thank you, Keith.
-(SPOUTING GIBBERISH)
1201
01:01:24,560 --> 01:01:28,189
It's time for Keith Lemon
karaoke toga party!
1202
01:01:28,272 --> 01:01:29,857
(ALL CHEERING)
1203
01:01:30,941 --> 01:01:36,447
First up is Keith Lemon's old-school
business associate, Kushvinder Rihal!
1204
01:01:37,907 --> 01:01:42,077
Thank you. I'm going
to dedicate this song
1205
01:01:42,119 --> 01:01:45,581
to my beautiful wife.
1206
01:01:45,956 --> 01:01:47,124
Hit it!
1207
01:01:47,625 --> 01:01:49,627
(REGGAE MUSIC PLAYING)
1208
01:01:55,299 --> 01:01:57,468
♪ Hey, fatti bum bum!
1209
01:01:58,552 --> 01:02:00,763
♪ Sweet sugar dumpling
1210
01:02:02,097 --> 01:02:03,933
♪ Hey, fatti boom boom
1211
01:02:05,267 --> 01:02:06,268
♪ Let me tell you... ♪
1212
01:02:06,602 --> 01:02:09,980
I thought I'd like to buy you
a right expensive puffer jacket.
1213
01:02:10,147 --> 01:02:12,107
-DOUGIE: Keith!
-The puffiest puffer jacket...
1214
01:02:12,149 --> 01:02:13,817
-DOUGIE: Keith!
-...you can see in t'shops.
1215
01:02:13,943 --> 01:02:16,153
-The puffiest.
-Excuse me. I'll get over.
1216
01:02:16,612 --> 01:02:18,656
(WHIMPERING)
1217
01:02:19,406 --> 01:02:21,909
Keith! Keith!
1218
01:02:23,160 --> 01:02:24,245
What?
1219
01:02:25,329 --> 01:02:29,750
Keith, it's me, Douglas. Douglas Orange.
1220
01:02:30,834 --> 01:02:33,504
Listen, we need to take you
back home to Leeds.
1221
01:02:33,587 --> 01:02:35,673
Evil Steve has kidnapped Rosie.
1222
01:02:35,756 --> 01:02:37,925
And only you can save us
by giving us money for t'poles.
1223
01:02:38,676 --> 01:02:43,847
Listen, firstly,
I know about eleven Douglaseseses.
1224
01:02:44,014 --> 01:02:45,849
And you're not one of them.
1225
01:02:46,183 --> 01:02:49,270
Thirdly, I don't know
anyone called Rosie.
1226
01:02:49,603 --> 01:02:52,940
There's only one woman in my life
and that's Kelly Brook.
1227
01:02:53,023 --> 01:02:55,526
And she loves me
and we fuck like spider monkeys.
1228
01:02:55,818 --> 01:02:59,029
-(SCOFFING)
-Keith, it's me, Douglas.
1229
01:02:59,530 --> 01:03:02,449
Security! Take this dingbat away.
1230
01:03:02,950 --> 01:03:05,119
If you want money, here.
1231
01:03:06,287 --> 01:03:09,873
Go buy yourself a new suit,
'cause you look low-quality.
1232
01:03:09,999 --> 01:03:11,709
Daft tomato-face! (HISSING)
1233
01:03:12,876 --> 01:03:15,045
-(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
-You used to be my friend.
1234
01:03:15,170 --> 01:03:17,881
More than that,
you were like my brother!
1235
01:03:19,049 --> 01:03:20,342
Well, not as close as that,
1236
01:03:20,467 --> 01:03:22,344
more like a cousin
that I saw at family occasions
1237
01:03:22,469 --> 01:03:25,055
like Christmas and birthdays
and funerals and stuff.
1238
01:03:25,389 --> 01:03:28,058
Once we celebrated St George's Day,
but we didn't know what it meant.
1239
01:03:28,309 --> 01:03:31,061
-You don't know what St George's Day is?
-I love St George's Day.
1240
01:03:31,186 --> 01:03:33,355
I love St George's Day.
That is my favourite holiday.
1241
01:03:33,480 --> 01:03:35,482
That's my favourite holiday, too.
1242
01:03:35,566 --> 01:03:36,900
-I love you.
-I love you, too.
1243
01:03:36,984 --> 01:03:38,527
I wanna fingerblast you right now.
1244
01:03:38,569 --> 01:03:40,237
Are you listening to me, Keith Lemon?
1245
01:03:40,696 --> 01:03:45,409
You listen to me.
Will you kindly leave my lavish palace?
1246
01:03:45,534 --> 01:03:46,660
(GLASS SMASHES)
1247
01:03:48,537 --> 01:03:54,501
-Go on, get out, you wronghead!
-That's harsh, man. Totally un-PC.
1248
01:03:54,710 --> 01:03:56,253
You can shut up and all.
1249
01:03:56,378 --> 01:03:58,756
There's far worse things
I could've called him.
1250
01:03:58,881 --> 01:04:00,716
Like a stupid spas...
1251
01:04:00,883 --> 01:04:02,384
-(ALL GASPING)
-What did he say?
1252
01:04:05,262 --> 01:04:08,349
I wasn't gonna say
what you thought I was gonna say.
1253
01:04:08,932 --> 01:04:10,684
'Cause... I was... I was gonna say...
1254
01:04:12,269 --> 01:04:14,772
(SPEAKING MOCK FOREIGN LANGUAGE)
1255
01:04:32,539 --> 01:04:35,417
Which is foreign for, "You silly idiot."
1256
01:04:36,960 --> 01:04:41,298
-Now go on, flip off! Go on, flip off!
-Damn moron.
1257
01:04:44,051 --> 01:04:45,803
Go on, get out of it.
1258
01:04:45,886 --> 01:04:47,554
(DOUGIE GRUNTING)
1259
01:04:47,638 --> 01:04:51,642
You used to be the main man.
Now you're not the main anything.
1260
01:04:52,309 --> 01:04:56,313
I, Douglas Orange, am not friends
with Keith Lemon any more.
1261
01:04:56,605 --> 01:04:57,773
Good.
1262
01:05:03,153 --> 01:05:04,655
-And you know what?
-What?
1263
01:05:05,823 --> 01:05:07,950
-I'm not your fixer any more.
-Oh.
1264
01:05:07,991 --> 01:05:10,327
I'd rather eat shit
than hang out with you.
1265
01:05:10,452 --> 01:05:15,457
Then go eat shit, you shit-eater.
Go get some shit and put it in a pita.
1266
01:05:16,333 --> 01:05:17,668
A shita. (CHUCKLING)
1267
01:05:19,336 --> 01:05:22,005
-Go on. Get out, you dicksplats.
-Piss off!
1268
01:05:24,007 --> 01:05:26,260
-What was that all about?
-I don't know.
1269
01:05:26,343 --> 01:05:27,803
But I'll tell you what, Kelly Brook.
1270
01:05:27,845 --> 01:05:30,514
I will let you finger my arsehole
as a part of lovemaking.
1271
01:05:30,639 --> 01:05:33,809
And I have never let anyone
stick their finger up my arse.
1272
01:05:33,851 --> 01:05:35,269
WOMEN: Aw!
1273
01:05:37,020 --> 01:05:39,690
I lust you... Love you. Fancy it?
1274
01:05:40,190 --> 01:05:41,525
-Come on, then.
-(WHISPERING) Up there.
1275
01:05:42,359 --> 01:05:44,862
Come on, we're having a party. Party.
1276
01:05:51,493 --> 01:05:53,704
(MELANCHOLY MUSIC PLAYING)
1277
01:05:54,496 --> 01:05:55,831
(SIGHING)
1278
01:05:56,373 --> 01:05:58,333
(LAUGHING) Douglas.
1279
01:05:58,876 --> 01:06:01,211
Who would win in a fight
out of all the Expendables
1280
01:06:01,295 --> 01:06:04,173
in that film, um... The Expendables?
1281
01:06:04,631 --> 01:06:06,884
Sylvester Stallone, obviously.
He's t'leader.
1282
01:06:06,967 --> 01:06:09,052
-But what about Jason Streatham?
-Crank.
1283
01:06:09,136 --> 01:06:10,345
-Jet Li?
-Easy Jet.
1284
01:06:10,554 --> 01:06:12,139
-Mickey Rourke.
-Mickey... (IMITATES CLUCKING)
1285
01:06:12,514 --> 01:06:14,141
What about Arnold Schwarzenegger?
1286
01:06:14,224 --> 01:06:17,144
The only governor
is Sylvester Stallone. (ECHOING)
1287
01:06:17,686 --> 01:06:19,354
(GROWLING)
1288
01:06:35,245 --> 01:06:37,206
-I've been stitched up.
-(BELL DINGING)
1289
01:06:38,248 --> 01:06:40,626
ANNOUNCER: Hello, coach travellers.
Here's a bit of news for you.
1290
01:06:40,751 --> 01:06:43,545
Tonight's in-coach movie
is a Sylvester Stallone classic.
1291
01:06:43,587 --> 01:06:46,381
Wait for it. It's none other than...
Wait for it... Rambo!
1292
01:06:46,715 --> 01:06:48,592
(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS)
1293
01:06:49,927 --> 01:06:51,720
(SPEAKING GIBBERISH)
1294
01:06:51,762 --> 01:06:54,097
It's the moment you all waiting for.
1295
01:06:54,139 --> 01:06:57,392
We got the main funky guy
and the main funky girl!
1296
01:06:57,726 --> 01:07:00,062
It's "K" for Kelly-Lemon!
1297
01:07:00,437 --> 01:07:03,440
Hey, bro, they're doing karaoke.
You gonna have a go?
1298
01:07:03,774 --> 01:07:05,150
Nah, mate, singing's not for me.
1299
01:07:05,275 --> 01:07:06,485
MAN: We love you, Keith!
1300
01:07:09,238 --> 01:07:10,781
(MOANING HOARSELY)
1301
01:07:15,827 --> 01:07:17,913
-(MOUTHING)
-(HUMMING OFF-TUNE)
1302
01:07:19,248 --> 01:07:21,250
(SINGING NASALLY) ♪ Especially for you
1303
01:07:21,833 --> 01:07:23,418
(MOUTHING WORDS)
1304
01:07:24,628 --> 01:07:29,424
♪ I wanna let you know
what I was going through
1305
01:07:29,633 --> 01:07:33,762
♪ All the times we were apart I thought of you
1306
01:07:34,596 --> 01:07:37,140
♪ You were in my heart
1307
01:07:37,266 --> 01:07:39,017
♪ My love never changed
1308
01:07:40,686 --> 01:07:42,354
♪ I still feel the same
1309
01:07:43,480 --> 01:07:45,482
♪ Especially for you
1310
01:07:46,942 --> 01:07:47,985
♪ I wanna tell you... ♪
1311
01:07:48,110 --> 01:07:49,861
Fucking killing your song, dude.
1312
01:07:49,987 --> 01:07:51,196
Flamin' bastards!
1313
01:07:51,863 --> 01:07:53,991
♪ And if dreams were wings... ♪
1314
01:07:55,200 --> 01:07:58,328
We interrupt this broadcast
with breaking news from around the world
1315
01:07:58,370 --> 01:08:02,833
of a horrid side effect blamed directly
on the use of the Lemon Phone.
1316
01:08:02,958 --> 01:08:05,168
(SINGING CONTINUES)
1317
01:08:05,377 --> 01:08:07,671
Confirmed reports are now confirming
1318
01:08:07,713 --> 01:08:10,215
that the phone causes
a bizarre condition
1319
01:08:10,340 --> 01:08:13,010
known to experts as "wonky mouth."
1320
01:08:13,135 --> 01:08:15,137
♪ ...because of you...
1321
01:08:16,680 --> 01:08:21,018
♪ Together forever, I was... ♪
1322
01:08:21,143 --> 01:08:22,185
(IN A DEEP VOICE)
What's happening to my face?
1323
01:08:22,311 --> 01:08:23,353
WOMAN: Oh, my God, look at Kelly!
1324
01:08:23,395 --> 01:08:24,688
What's happening to my mouth?
1325
01:08:24,730 --> 01:08:26,815
Out of the way.
Shift, you. Shift, shift.
1326
01:08:27,190 --> 01:08:29,067
I'll tell you what's wrong
with your mouth, love.
1327
01:08:29,192 --> 01:08:31,403
It's that cheeky little badger's
fault up there.
1328
01:08:31,820 --> 01:08:34,364
Luckily, I still communicate
via fax and pager.
1329
01:08:34,656 --> 01:08:35,699
Sometimes pigeon.
1330
01:08:36,867 --> 01:08:39,328
But I bought my mother
one of those phones.
1331
01:08:39,369 --> 01:08:42,998
Your auntie, Keith.
Your very own flesh and blood.
1332
01:08:43,915 --> 01:08:46,043
And look what it's done to her face.
1333
01:08:46,376 --> 01:08:49,379
-WOMAN: Eurgh! Mingin'!
-Proper fucked.
1334
01:08:49,880 --> 01:08:52,007
And now I'm wracked wi' guilt.
1335
01:08:52,841 --> 01:08:54,384
(SIGHING HEAVILY)
1336
01:08:54,593 --> 01:08:56,428
I'm sorry, Auntie Fanny.
1337
01:08:56,720 --> 01:08:59,389
That's her real name, Fanny.
It's like American for "arse."
1338
01:08:59,431 --> 01:09:02,059
Now you might all think
I'm another relative
1339
01:09:02,184 --> 01:09:05,187
who's come out of the woodwork
because he's doing well for himself.
1340
01:09:05,270 --> 01:09:06,730
But you'd be wrong.
1341
01:09:06,772 --> 01:09:09,566
'Cause I'm here to tell you
the dangers of that phone.
1342
01:09:09,900 --> 01:09:12,903
The Lemon Phone. The Keith Lemon Phone.
1343
01:09:13,570 --> 01:09:16,573
Keep using it, and you'll all end up
with a face like her up there.
1344
01:09:17,199 --> 01:09:18,241
-Kelly Brook.
-(LAUGHING MOCKINGLY)
1345
01:09:18,367 --> 01:09:20,035
And don't get me wrong, Kelly, love.
1346
01:09:20,243 --> 01:09:22,371
I used to wank my eyelashes off
over you.
1347
01:09:22,871 --> 01:09:23,914
But not now, Kelly.
1348
01:09:24,081 --> 01:09:28,543
Not now you've got a face
like an old, blistered pisspot.
1349
01:09:28,585 --> 01:09:30,754
(IN A DEEP VOICE) My career!
My face, my beautiful face!
1350
01:09:31,421 --> 01:09:35,133
I'm sorry, Kelly.
No likey, you're wonky.
1351
01:09:35,425 --> 01:09:37,219
-I'll never work again.
-KEITH: It looks nice.
1352
01:09:37,302 --> 01:09:38,887
Just put a bag on your head,
it'll be all right.
1353
01:09:38,929 --> 01:09:41,640
Look at 'em! Look at 'em, Keith.
They're all changing!
1354
01:09:41,765 --> 01:09:43,225
-Look at their faces!
-(SCREAMING)
1355
01:09:43,266 --> 01:09:45,268
Van Outen! Tiny Strides!
1356
01:09:45,602 --> 01:09:46,770
Oh, for fuck's sake!
1357
01:09:47,104 --> 01:09:48,939
-Moylesie!
-What?
1358
01:09:49,106 --> 01:09:51,441
Holly Willoughbooby, Nostrils!
1359
01:09:51,942 --> 01:09:53,485
Odd-looking fucker blowin' trumpet!
1360
01:09:54,611 --> 01:09:57,322
-Gino D'Acampoff
-(MUMBLING)
1361
01:09:58,115 --> 01:09:59,991
Peter Andre and Jason Doneover.
1362
01:10:00,617 --> 01:10:03,954
You're in the shit, Keith, lad.
You're in the shit.
1363
01:10:04,413 --> 01:10:06,289
Let the bell meet the end.
1364
01:10:07,749 --> 01:10:09,251
I'll see you in the sequel.
1365
01:10:10,961 --> 01:10:12,337
(IN A DEEP VOICE) I'll never work again.
1366
01:10:13,338 --> 01:10:14,464
Let's get him!
1367
01:10:18,135 --> 01:10:19,803
-Wanker!
-Yes!
1368
01:10:21,763 --> 01:10:23,098
Hey, when you see that Keith Lemon,
1369
01:10:23,140 --> 01:10:25,267
you tell him I'm gonna kick his frickin' ass.
1370
01:10:25,434 --> 01:10:27,352
My mouth is Hoff-centre.
1371
01:10:27,686 --> 01:10:29,688
Pictures are coming in
of once loyal fans
1372
01:10:29,813 --> 01:10:32,482
who are now infuriated
with the northern businessman.
1373
01:10:33,150 --> 01:10:34,860
(INDISTINCT YELLING)
1374
01:10:35,318 --> 01:10:36,987
(SCREAMING)
1375
01:10:38,113 --> 01:10:40,365
Kushvinder, what the eff is going on?
1376
01:10:40,490 --> 01:10:43,493
It appears as if they are blaming
your phone for their wonky mouth.
1377
01:10:43,535 --> 01:10:44,786
My phone?
1378
01:10:44,870 --> 01:10:46,830
-Didn't you PAT test this?
-Of course I did.
1379
01:10:46,955 --> 01:10:49,666
Pat tested it and she said
it was bloody brilliant.
1380
01:10:49,875 --> 01:10:53,128
-Isn't that right, Pat?
-Oh, yes, it's bloody marvellous.
1381
01:10:53,170 --> 01:10:55,213
It's got spirit level,
it's got Sati-nav,
1382
01:10:55,338 --> 01:10:57,507
a melodic selection of ringtones!
1383
01:10:57,632 --> 01:10:59,009
I mean P-A-T,
1384
01:10:59,050 --> 01:11:02,345
which stands for
"portable appliance testing"' you dingbats!
1385
01:11:03,513 --> 01:11:04,514
Time to go home.
1386
01:11:04,639 --> 01:11:07,809
Thanks for the 8.2%
gross corridor cheque.
1387
01:11:07,893 --> 01:11:09,227
How do!
1388
01:11:16,067 --> 01:11:17,527
(LOUD SCREAMING)
1389
01:11:28,205 --> 01:11:30,540
-He's going for the roof.
-(INDISTINCT YELLING)
1390
01:11:36,213 --> 01:11:37,881
Help me! Help me!
1391
01:11:38,715 --> 01:11:41,843
Somebody, help me!
Kelly Brook's gonna kill me now!
1392
01:11:41,927 --> 01:11:43,512
-She's gonna cut me knackers off!
-(COUGHING)
1393
01:11:45,555 --> 01:11:47,682
Archi-bee-gees, they're gonna kill me.
1394
01:11:47,724 --> 01:11:50,936
Me dream has turned to shit.
It's a nightmare!
1395
01:11:51,061 --> 01:11:53,939
Look, I came up here
for some peace and quiet. So fuck off.
1396
01:11:54,231 --> 01:11:55,273
(BANGING ON DOOR)
1397
01:11:55,398 --> 01:11:57,067
KELLY: We're gonna rip
your balls off, Keith Lemon!
1398
01:11:57,442 --> 01:11:58,610
She sounds pretty angry to me.
1399
01:11:59,736 --> 01:12:00,737
Here's Kelly!
1400
01:12:00,987 --> 01:12:04,074
-Looks like you haven't got long, man.
-I'm gonna kill you, Keith Lemon.
1401
01:12:04,574 --> 01:12:07,994
I've ruined everything.
I had me chance and I blowed it.
1402
01:12:09,162 --> 01:12:11,957
There's no other choice
for a self-centred bastard like me.
1403
01:12:12,082 --> 01:12:13,458
-I'm gonna kill meself.
-Just do it.
1404
01:12:13,834 --> 01:12:15,418
I'm gonna throw meself
off this building,
1405
01:12:15,460 --> 01:12:17,254
-which I once owned.
-Bye-bye.
1406
01:12:17,295 --> 01:12:18,755
I'm going to smash me skull
to smithereens.
1407
01:12:19,005 --> 01:12:20,090
I don't give a shit.
1408
01:12:20,131 --> 01:12:22,634
And a fox might come along
and lick me eyeballs clean out!
1409
01:12:22,759 --> 01:12:24,511
-Adiós, amigo.
-(PANTING)
1410
01:12:29,015 --> 01:12:31,977
I'm sorry, Rosie. I'm sorry, Douglas.
1411
01:12:32,769 --> 01:12:36,106
I'm sorry. I'm sorry!
1412
01:12:38,525 --> 01:12:39,943
(MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING)
1413
01:12:40,110 --> 01:12:41,486
(SPRAYING)
1414
01:12:43,113 --> 01:12:47,701
Rosie, despite my devastatingly
handsome looks and me tallywacker,
1415
01:12:49,035 --> 01:12:53,498
which is as thick as a Coke can,
why are you with me?
1416
01:12:54,833 --> 01:12:57,627
Well, everyone thinks
they know Keith Lemon,
1417
01:12:59,129 --> 01:13:03,008
this self-obsessed know-it-all
who really don't know anything.
1418
01:13:03,300 --> 01:13:05,051
I do know some things.
1419
01:13:05,635 --> 01:13:07,804
But I know the real Keith Lemon.
1420
01:13:07,846 --> 01:13:12,517
Kind, thoughtful, lovely man
who makes me smile.
1421
01:13:17,230 --> 01:13:18,481
So are you gonna do me white bits, then?
1422
01:13:19,649 --> 01:13:22,152
Leave your white bits. I like 'em.
1423
01:13:23,820 --> 01:13:25,071
Fair do's.
1424
01:13:26,323 --> 01:13:27,407
(GIGGLING)
1425
01:13:27,490 --> 01:13:28,658
(BANGING ON DOOR)
1426
01:13:34,164 --> 01:13:36,666
-What am I doing?
-Killing yourself, man.
1427
01:13:37,667 --> 01:13:40,253
Sylvester Stallone
would never kill himself.
1428
01:13:40,503 --> 01:13:43,089
He'd go back and fight the emenies
and save the day.
1429
01:13:44,925 --> 01:13:49,179
That's what I've gotta do.
I've got to go back and save the day.
1430
01:13:50,347 --> 01:13:53,350
More pacificly, I've gotta save Rosie.
1431
01:13:54,517 --> 01:13:57,270
-The love of me life.
-You are a good guy.
1432
01:13:58,355 --> 01:14:00,899
-I knew it!
-Thanks.
1433
01:14:01,524 --> 01:14:02,859
(THUDDING)
1434
01:14:03,902 --> 01:14:06,571
-What's wrong? What's wrong, Archimedes?
-(MOANING)
1435
01:14:06,696 --> 01:14:08,114
Are you having a eptileptic fit?
1436
01:14:08,615 --> 01:14:10,450
I'm gonna fucking kill you, Keith Lemon!
1437
01:14:10,533 --> 01:14:13,536
Is there a doctor on the roof?
I need a doctor!
1438
01:14:16,206 --> 01:14:20,377
-Shit! It's Kelly Brook.
-There he is, the ginger twat!
1439
01:14:23,880 --> 01:14:26,383
I'm not a ginger twat.
I'm strawberry blond.
1440
01:14:26,424 --> 01:14:27,884
Well, you're still a twat!
1441
01:14:28,885 --> 01:14:30,220
(GROANING)
1442
01:14:31,096 --> 01:14:32,305
Cheese and rice!
1443
01:14:35,934 --> 01:14:37,644
(EXCLAIMING)
1444
01:14:42,148 --> 01:14:43,900
-(SPITTING)
-(KEITH SCREAMING)
1445
01:15:05,630 --> 01:15:07,507
-You've got wings.
-Hell, yeah!
1446
01:15:08,258 --> 01:15:09,592
I see it now.
1447
01:15:10,010 --> 01:15:12,303
All this time, you've been
like me gardening angel.
1448
01:15:12,512 --> 01:15:13,680
Guardian angel.
1449
01:15:14,597 --> 01:15:18,268
-Wow!
-Keith, I fixed you to fix me.
1450
01:15:19,269 --> 01:15:22,147
You helped me get my wings
by seeing the error of your ways.
1451
01:15:22,272 --> 01:15:24,774
And I helped you experience
a life that you thought you wanted.
1452
01:15:25,692 --> 01:15:29,154
But sometimes what you want
isn't always what you really need.
1453
01:15:31,197 --> 01:15:32,449
I know what I need.
1454
01:15:32,782 --> 01:15:36,953
Well, what are we waiting for?
Let's get our groove on, motherfucker.
1455
01:15:38,288 --> 01:15:40,290
(SCREAMING)
1456
01:15:42,459 --> 01:15:44,794
Put me down, you're gonna kill me!
1457
01:15:45,462 --> 01:15:46,838
Stop crying like a little pussy.
1458
01:15:47,422 --> 01:15:48,798
I think I've got
a brown onion in me pants.
1459
01:16:13,990 --> 01:16:16,493
There she is.
The United States of Leeds.
1460
01:16:19,329 --> 01:16:23,333
Tick-tock, tick-tock, tick-tock.
That's it. Your time's up.
1461
01:16:23,458 --> 01:16:26,294
And it looks like a no-show from Lemon.
1462
01:16:26,336 --> 01:16:28,546
He can't like you that much, can he, eh?
1463
01:16:28,671 --> 01:16:33,343
Livin' la vida loca down at London,
with Kelly Brook.
1464
01:16:33,843 --> 01:16:35,386
-Do you know what I think?
-No.
1465
01:16:35,512 --> 01:16:36,679
I think you're jealous of him.
1466
01:16:36,721 --> 01:16:38,556
I think you wish you were in London
with Kelly Brook,
1467
01:16:38,848 --> 01:16:41,810
not stuck here in this shithole
with your broken-nosed boyfriend.
1468
01:16:41,851 --> 01:16:45,897
You haven't even got a widescreen telly.
But do you know what? Keith has.
1469
01:16:46,481 --> 01:16:48,358
And his is much bigger than yours.
1470
01:16:48,525 --> 01:16:50,235
And I'm not just
talking about his telly.
1471
01:16:50,360 --> 01:16:52,195
(MUMBLING) She has a point, you know.
1472
01:16:52,320 --> 01:16:54,697
I thought you said
you liked my tiny cock.
1473
01:16:54,739 --> 01:16:55,865
(MUMBLING INCOHERENTLY)
1474
01:16:55,907 --> 01:16:58,993
You said it fit inside you
as snug as a bug in a rug.
1475
01:16:59,327 --> 01:17:02,539
You know, some...
Dennis, what's going on with your mouth?
1476
01:17:02,664 --> 01:17:03,706
I don't know.
1477
01:17:03,748 --> 01:17:06,835
Sometimes I just don't know
where I stand with you, Dennis, I don't.
1478
01:17:06,876 --> 01:17:09,546
It's a hug and a slap,
and it's a hug and a slap.
1479
01:17:09,587 --> 01:17:11,089
You'll get a slap when Keith gets back.
1480
01:17:12,674 --> 01:17:14,050
That rhymes.
1481
01:17:14,092 --> 01:17:17,262
Lower her into the vat,
you wonky-mouth twat.
1482
01:17:17,387 --> 01:17:18,847
There's another rhyme for you there.
1483
01:17:25,603 --> 01:17:27,397
That's enough!
1484
01:17:27,939 --> 01:17:29,190
-(YELLING)
-Dougie!
1485
01:17:32,694 --> 01:17:34,028
(INHALES SHARPLY) That's gotta hurt.
1486
01:17:34,696 --> 01:17:37,407
Down there.
Evil Steve's warehouse venue thing.
1487
01:17:37,740 --> 01:17:39,033
Ready, man?
1488
01:17:41,870 --> 01:17:42,912
I'm ready.
1489
01:17:43,037 --> 01:17:44,581
-Good luck.
-Shit!
1490
01:17:45,790 --> 01:17:47,625
-Peace, bruv.
-Shit!
1491
01:17:53,423 --> 01:17:54,716
-Keith?
-Rosie.
1492
01:17:54,757 --> 01:17:56,092
Where have you been?
1493
01:17:58,761 --> 01:17:59,929
I don't know where I've been.
1494
01:18:00,638 --> 01:18:02,765
I was so far up me arse
chasing me dream,
1495
01:18:02,932 --> 01:18:04,767
I couldn't see for shit.
1496
01:18:04,893 --> 01:18:08,396
But I want you to know
all the stupid things that I did...
1497
01:18:09,480 --> 01:18:14,944
Abandoning you and having sex
through clothes with a famous floozy,
1498
01:18:15,737 --> 01:18:18,656
it doesn't actually reflect
on how I feel about you.
1499
01:18:19,282 --> 01:18:20,617
Are you gonna get me down now?
1500
01:18:21,117 --> 01:18:22,994
You're the second best thing
that's ever happened to me.
1501
01:18:23,620 --> 01:18:24,621
Second? What's the first?
1502
01:18:25,622 --> 01:18:29,083
-Kelly Brook, obviously. I'm joking.
-Right, get me down so I can hit you.
1503
01:18:29,125 --> 01:18:30,793
But I'm not joking when I say...
1504
01:18:32,503 --> 01:18:34,172
I say that I love you.
1505
01:18:34,464 --> 01:18:37,800
And I love you more than I love myself.
1506
01:18:38,760 --> 01:18:40,637
And I love myself a lot.
1507
01:18:41,346 --> 01:18:44,349
But I love you even morerer..rer.
1508
01:18:44,849 --> 01:18:46,643
What I'm saying is, um...
1509
01:18:50,313 --> 01:18:51,648
Will you marry me?
1510
01:18:53,483 --> 01:18:55,276
Why would I wanna marry an arrogant,
1511
01:18:55,360 --> 01:18:58,321
self-obsessed know-it-all
who actually don't know anything?
1512
01:18:59,530 --> 01:19:00,657
(EXHALES)
1513
01:19:01,532 --> 01:19:04,202
Because you said that I make you smile.
1514
01:19:05,036 --> 01:19:06,788
Well, I'm not smiling now, am I?
1515
01:19:07,705 --> 01:19:10,208
What, not even if I do my honk voice?
1516
01:19:10,959 --> 01:19:14,671
(HONKING)
1517
01:19:17,006 --> 01:19:19,133
My boobs. (HONKING)
1518
01:19:21,719 --> 01:19:23,638
-(HONKING)
-(GIGGLES)
1519
01:19:24,472 --> 01:19:26,182
You're smiling. Is that a yes?
1520
01:19:29,477 --> 01:19:30,645
(SOBBING) Yes.
1521
01:19:30,687 --> 01:19:32,063
Yarussky!
1522
01:19:33,314 --> 01:19:35,650
-Can you do me a favour?
-Anything.
1523
01:19:36,317 --> 01:19:38,027
Get her down, you fucking idiot.
1524
01:19:38,987 --> 01:19:41,531
(LAUGHING) Come on, then.
1525
01:19:41,698 --> 01:19:43,032
(CHUCKLING)
1526
01:19:46,327 --> 01:19:47,870
Heaven, here I come.
1527
01:19:49,539 --> 01:19:51,916
-KEITH: Let's go sort this wedding out.
-(DOUGIE GROANING)
1528
01:19:52,041 --> 01:19:54,419
Douglas, I'm sorry
for calling you a wronghead.
1529
01:19:54,544 --> 01:19:55,837
-That's all right.
-Also,
1530
01:19:55,878 --> 01:19:58,548
I'm demoting you as the main man.
1531
01:19:58,589 --> 01:20:01,175
-Fair do's.
-You're now the best man.
1532
01:20:02,885 --> 01:20:05,513
-Yes! Thank you, Jesus!
-(ROSIE CHUCKLING)
1533
01:20:05,930 --> 01:20:07,890
Oh, Keith, I'll get
a speech off internet.
1534
01:20:08,016 --> 01:20:09,058
I'll be ever so... Oh!
1535
01:20:09,183 --> 01:20:10,685
Ow! Oh, Dougie.
1536
01:20:11,728 --> 01:20:14,564
Later on, we'll be talking about
the devastating effects
1537
01:20:14,605 --> 01:20:17,108
of the Lemon Phone,
the Keith Lemon Phone.
1538
01:20:17,233 --> 01:20:21,571
So if you or anyone else you know
has been affected by its effects,
1539
01:20:21,612 --> 01:20:24,907
then we'll be talking about the effects
if it has affected you.
1540
01:20:25,408 --> 01:20:28,911
But first, just a few weeks ago,
we met a lady with two vaginas.
1541
01:20:29,037 --> 01:20:30,747
Today, as part of our sex week,
1542
01:20:30,788 --> 01:20:33,291
we meet a man
with a penis and one vagina.
1543
01:20:33,458 --> 01:20:35,293
Weird Paul, thank you
very much indeed for coming in.
1544
01:20:39,088 --> 01:20:40,298
KEITH: And as the credits roll,
1545
01:20:40,423 --> 01:20:43,593
thus ends me
2D cinematic moralistic journey.
1546
01:20:43,718 --> 01:20:45,428
I'd like to tell you that
I turned the Securipoles
1547
01:20:45,553 --> 01:20:48,264
into water pumps for the thirsty kids
of the Fourth World.
1548
01:20:48,389 --> 01:20:52,310
Or that I found me real dad
and he taught me the genuine meaning
1549
01:20:52,435 --> 01:20:54,729
of rasclaats and bumbasquat and ting.
1550
01:20:54,979 --> 01:20:57,940
Or even that I
continued to dry-hump Kelly Brook
1551
01:20:57,982 --> 01:21:01,319
until I broke her tuppence
into a thousand pieces.
1552
01:21:01,944 --> 01:21:03,112
But the simple truth is,
1553
01:21:03,321 --> 01:21:05,656
well, I settled down with Rosie
and we had three kids.
1554
01:21:06,074 --> 01:21:09,118
Eminem, Britney and One Direction.
1555
01:21:09,786 --> 01:21:13,247
Archimedes could well have been
a pigmentation of me imagination.
1556
01:21:13,289 --> 01:21:14,332
But you know what?
1557
01:21:14,457 --> 01:21:16,751
His scripted dialogue
learned me an important lesson.
1558
01:21:17,126 --> 01:21:19,003
The grass may be greener
on the other side,
1559
01:21:19,337 --> 01:21:22,298
but I'm happy with me crazy paving.
1560
01:21:22,340 --> 01:21:24,967
And in answer to the question
that people always ask me,
1561
01:21:25,134 --> 01:21:28,971
yes, that is the size of me real penis.
1562
01:21:29,347 --> 01:21:31,766
As thick as a Coke can.
1563
01:21:31,808 --> 01:21:34,811
If I don't see you through t'week,
I'll see you through t'window.
1564
01:21:34,936 --> 01:21:36,145
(LAUGHING)
1565
01:21:37,522 --> 01:21:38,815
Hey, I'll tell you what,
let's have some bloopers
1566
01:21:38,856 --> 01:21:39,982
like in Cannonball Run.
1567
01:21:40,024 --> 01:21:43,653
I thought that was fucking ace
when they did that in that film.
1568
01:21:45,655 --> 01:21:48,449
I'm strawberry blond.
I'm strawberry blond, aren't I?
1569
01:21:50,326 --> 01:21:52,120
(CHUCKLING) Leigh, stop fucking laughing.
1570
01:21:52,161 --> 01:21:53,204
Sorry.
1571
01:21:53,329 --> 01:21:55,832
-Sorry. Yeah, I know.
-This is it now.
1572
01:21:56,332 --> 01:21:59,669
MAN: There's something on Paddy's chin
just there, a little bit shiny.
1573
01:22:00,002 --> 01:22:01,337
WOMAN: I think it's my lipstick.
1574
01:22:01,462 --> 01:22:02,839
-MAN: All right.
-Oh, dear.
1575
01:22:02,880 --> 01:22:04,298
Wonder how it got there? (LAUGHING)
1576
01:22:04,340 --> 01:22:05,550
That's a little bit awkward.
1577
01:22:05,675 --> 01:22:06,801
WOMAN: Really?
MAN: Stand by.
1578
01:22:06,968 --> 01:22:11,305
And the cavalier attitude,
I was sound as a sound.
1579
01:22:11,806 --> 01:22:13,641
Sound as a sound.
1580
01:22:14,684 --> 01:22:15,977
(LAUGHING)
1581
01:22:16,144 --> 01:22:17,478
Sound as a pound.
1582
01:22:17,979 --> 01:22:20,356
What the fuck
is this piece of shit, bruv?
1583
01:22:21,691 --> 01:22:23,359
Well, that were me phone
and it looks like you broke it.
1584
01:22:23,484 --> 01:22:26,362
And that were Billy Ocean
and I think it were sang very well.
1585
01:22:28,197 --> 01:22:30,658
LEIGH FRANCIS:
♪ And do the things that lovers do
1586
01:22:30,700 --> 01:22:32,702
♪ 'Cause when the going gets tough
1587
01:22:33,035 --> 01:22:34,412
♪ The tough get going
1588
01:22:34,537 --> 01:22:36,664
FRANCIS: ♪ When the going gets rough ♪
1589
01:22:36,706 --> 01:22:38,875
(BOTH CONTINUE HUMMING)
1590
01:22:39,375 --> 01:22:40,543
(LAUGHING)
1591
01:22:44,255 --> 01:22:46,090
Oh, fuck, I can't undo it. (LAUGHING)
1592
01:22:47,925 --> 01:22:49,260
How sexy is that?
1593
01:22:50,553 --> 01:22:52,221
MAN: Look up! Debris.
1594
01:22:58,394 --> 01:23:01,105
That's the second time
you've fucked it in the arse.
1595
01:23:03,232 --> 01:23:05,067
What do you want?
1596
01:23:06,360 --> 01:23:07,612
VERNE TROYER: Fuck.
1597
01:23:08,070 --> 01:23:09,405
-You wanna fuck?
-TROYER: No.
1598
01:23:09,530 --> 01:23:11,532
What's the line?
1599
01:23:11,616 --> 01:23:12,783
(CHUCKLING)
1600
01:23:13,201 --> 01:23:14,911
Rewind selector!
1601
01:23:22,210 --> 01:23:24,253
-That was the cue.
-(LAUGHING)
1602
01:23:25,087 --> 01:23:26,589
That means press...
1603
01:23:26,964 --> 01:23:29,217
That's street talk for
"press the button."
1604
01:23:29,258 --> 01:23:30,301
(ALL LAUGHING)
1605
01:23:30,927 --> 01:23:33,304
-Simon Pegg?
-No, Ronan Keating.
1606
01:23:33,596 --> 01:23:36,807
-Oh, right, yeah, from Take That.
-No, that's Gary Barlow.
1607
01:23:37,600 --> 01:23:38,935
No, Simon Pegg.
1608
01:23:39,060 --> 01:23:40,603
Though I was thinking, "Gary Barlow."
1609
01:23:40,728 --> 01:23:41,938
-You fucked that up.
-No, you did.
1610
01:23:41,979 --> 01:23:43,147
(BOTH LAUGHING)
1611
01:23:44,065 --> 01:23:45,274
(KEITH LAUGHING)
1612
01:23:45,441 --> 01:23:48,277
KEITH: Oh, that was funny.
I fucking love bloopers!
1613
01:23:48,903 --> 01:23:50,154
Ah, dearie me, me!
1614
01:23:51,113 --> 01:23:52,782
♪ I like to see girls walkin' around
1615
01:23:52,907 --> 01:23:54,659
♪ When they are out and shoppin' in town
1616
01:23:54,784 --> 01:23:56,452
♪ They drive me wild, so I can't help but smile
1617
01:23:56,577 --> 01:23:58,496
♪ And, if I'm lucky, one may stop for a while
1618
01:23:58,621 --> 01:24:00,331
♪ I'll ask her name, real sweet, polite
1619
01:24:00,456 --> 01:24:02,250
♪ And all the good girls always reply
1620
01:24:02,291 --> 01:24:04,293
♪ While some of them hold their head up high
and answer...
1621
01:24:04,335 --> 01:24:06,504
-GIRL: I don't think so, love!
-♪ And walk on by, I like girls
1622
01:24:06,629 --> 01:24:07,838
♪ You like the good, I like the bad ones
1623
01:24:07,964 --> 01:24:09,590
♪ Freaky and the mad ones,
sexy and the glad ones
1624
01:24:09,632 --> 01:24:11,592
♪ I like girls
♪ Taste of any kind of flavour
1625
01:24:11,634 --> 01:24:14,178
♪ Chocolate, vanilla, caramel's what I favour
♪ I like girls
1626
01:24:14,303 --> 01:24:17,640
♪ Then I need a very wide selection -
big girls, skinny girls, close-to-perfection girls
1627
01:24:17,765 --> 01:24:19,475
♪ When they make me smile and giggle
1628
01:24:19,517 --> 01:24:20,935
♪ And that's it plain and simple
1629
01:24:20,977 --> 01:24:23,145
♪ I like it when they move their body
and they shake their body
1630
01:24:23,938 --> 01:24:25,523
♪ Plain and simple
♪ I like it when they move their body
1631
01:24:25,648 --> 01:24:26,816
♪ And they shake their body
1632
01:24:27,608 --> 01:24:29,277
♪ Plain and simple
♪ I like it when they move their body
1633
01:24:29,318 --> 01:24:30,611
♪ And they shake their body
1634
01:24:31,445 --> 01:24:32,989
♪ Plain and simple
♪ I like it when they move their body
1635
01:24:33,114 --> 01:24:34,532
♪ And they shake their body
1636
01:24:34,657 --> 01:24:35,992
♪ And that's it plain and simple
1637
01:24:36,033 --> 01:24:37,868
♪ You know I like 'em, all kinds of girls
1638
01:24:37,994 --> 01:24:39,829
♪ I'm gonna try 'em from all over the world
1639
01:24:39,954 --> 01:24:41,372
♪ I like them girls that don't give a damn
1640
01:24:41,497 --> 01:24:43,833
♪ Like Alicia, Natasha, Angela and Pam
1641
01:24:43,874 --> 01:24:45,376
♪ I'll take 'em like one by one
1642
01:24:45,501 --> 01:24:47,378
♪ By the end they're dusted, done and done
1643
01:24:47,503 --> 01:24:49,505
♪ She'd like to talk,
I just wanna know your name
1644
01:24:49,547 --> 01:24:51,716
♪ And you can come and play my game
♪ I like it when they move their body
1645
01:24:51,841 --> 01:24:53,050
♪ And they shake their body
1646
01:24:53,884 --> 01:24:55,511
♪ Plain and simple
♪ I like it when they move their body
1647
01:24:55,636 --> 01:24:56,846
♪ And they shake their body
1648
01:24:57,680 --> 01:24:59,307
♪ Plain and simple
♪ I like it when they move their body
1649
01:24:59,348 --> 01:25:00,391
♪ And they shake their body
1650
01:25:01,392 --> 01:25:03,060
♪ Plain and simple
♪ I like it when they move their body
1651
01:25:03,185 --> 01:25:04,353
♪ And they shake their body... ♪